Even The Best
by taylorandmacster10
Summary: As the song goes, even the best fall down sometimes. This is a story encompassing a fateful night in Jay Halstead's life. While it required a difficult decision, the consequences of his choice culminate into a near fatal situation. This is more than a Jay Whump story. This is a story of falling down and getting back up: life.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1- Something's Gotta Give

 **Merry Christmas and happy holidays everyone! I'm still on a writing break, but I wanted to share this one with you now. I wrote this story while ago and have been sitting on it. I'm really nervous because it is a difficult topic. I've gone back and forth questioning if this should ever see the light of day. I know I'm stepping out on a limb here and am willing to remove it should it cause trouble in any way. Nervously, I reached the conclusion that difficult topics need their moment. Because through difficult topics we can see the beauty in family, love, life. Imagine the world if we only talked about happy, positive, sunny things. Bad things happen in this world. People make mistakes. This story is not intended to glorify the act nor is this an outlet of judgement. The story you are about to read is from the view of loved ones helping their friend, family member go from victim to survivor. This is dedicated to those who have conquered and those the world has tragically lost.**

It began simple. As most things do. The DEA needed someone to go undercover and Jay willingly volunteered. It was his specialty, amongst other things, and could be a career milestone. A major drug dealer was running amok in the streets of Chicago and the DEA joined forces with Intelligence. They wanted someone local, someone who knew the city and could work their way into the organization. It took several nights of studying information and a makeover, but it worked. Jay stumbled into a bar with short, tousled hair and black painted, roughed up nails and struck up a conversation with a member of the street crew. He painted this incredibly detailed life story of coming off a rehab stint and wanting to forego all he learned. He was in need of cash and a fix. The poor shmuck ate it up. In a few months, Jay Halstead went from detective out of the twenty-first district to trusted and respected member of the largest drug organization in Chicago. He said what needed to be said and did whatever had to be done. It was a beautiful thing to watch. Jay had them wrapped around his fingers and they were completely unaware.

He went totally method and his efforts paid off. He barely spoke to the team during the months he was undercover. When he would show up to the district to debrief, he was zoned out, mind wandering to anything but the reason he was there. The unit shrugged it off, assuming it was all part of the gig. Jay's acting could've won him an academy award. Eight months after Jay went under, they finally got what they needed: evidence to end the organization. The arrest was swift and the trial period was virtually non-existent. The drug lord and his minions were guilty, no lawyer could talk a sane person out of that.

Jay was given a month off to re-acclimate. He returned to work relatively normal. He ditched the baggy clothes and put the hair back in place, but the dark nails stayed. When he'd be at work or out with the unit, he was distant. His body was present, but his mind was somewhere else. Again, people noticed but shrugged it off. The signs were there and no one said anything. This wasn't the first time he behaved this way and it probably wouldn't be the last. Knowing how things played out, they wished, kicked themselves for not intervening sooner. They never learned about the fateful night because Jay never told them. It was a do-or-die situation. If he didn't oblige to their request, he'd never gain their trust and the case would've been ruined. Jay knew it went against every undercover rule in the book, but desperate times called for rebelling. He promised himself it would be just that one time. He do it to get through the case and then go cold turkey. However, as these kind of stories sadly go, that was not the case. A year after his diving in, life decided it was time. If Jay Halstead wasn't going find his rock bottom, then the world would do it for him.

…

When you step out onto the Skydeck Chicago on the 103rd floor of Willis Tower, the city looks soundless and peaceful. The buildings are varying shades of brown or black Lego statues. The river and lake are seamless ribbons outlining the shape of the city. Car horns and sirens cannot be heard nor can you see the hundred of thousands of people scurrying about, trying to survive another frigid, windy day in the city. From this position, the city and the world are silent works of art. You forget the evil and darkness of it all because you're too enamored by the beauty of your view. As tourists bravely took the leap of faith onto that terrifying ledge, far below them, the Intelligence unit was in a ferocious car chase. Jay Halstead and Hailey Upton were right behind the suspect with the others somewhere in the close vicinity. Hailey would update the team and dispatch of their every street and intersection change.

"Dispatch, suspect has turned right onto W Monroe Street and has just crossed over S Clark Street." Hailey was yelling over the sirens and honking. The static from dispatch acknowledged the change of direction but neither person in the car was really listening.

"Jay, don't be reckless. We need to actually catch the guy, not get killed." She noticed him twitching and zoned out, which was very uncharacteristic of him. He pushed the gas down harder, ignoring her advice.

"JAY!"

"Oh my word chill. I've got this. Do you want to get this guy? Just keep updating everyone." If she could, she'd have forced the car to a halt. Jay was out of control today and in no shape to drive. He was agitated all day but blamed a headache for his behavior. She should've pushed harder to drive. The perp made a left hand turn onto Michigan Avenue followed by a left on W Madison Street. Hailey radioed in the change and noticed Jay rubbing his chest, wincing as he did so. He felt her stare and immediately stopped.

"I'm fine," he reassured but she wasn't buying it. The chase made it the corner of Madison and Wabash when Jay cried in pain before passing out. Hailey got that sickening, rollercoaster stomach feeling as the truck was on a collision course for the iron pillar in the road. She felt the impact of the hit before everything went dark.

…

The perp was very much gone by the time Intelligence rolled up to the scene. It was clear the truck's momentum was stopped by the subway pillar before it rolled several times down the road. The truck came to rest a block from the impact point and was on its' side, passenger side lying on the ground. They all stopped their cars around the damaged truck to create a barrier around the scene. Smoke and fluids were draining from the vehicle and no one was moving inside. Adam and Atwater raced for the truck while Voight called on the radio for ambulances. Kim stood next to the scene speechless, taking things in before offering a helping hand. Antonio got back in his car and drove off, hoping to catch up with the person they were chasing. Both Jay and Hailey were unconscious but breathing steadily. Both had deep cuts and gashes on them and Hailey appeared to have suffered a broken arm. Adam and Atwater ignored the threat of spinal injuries and pulled the two detectives out of the car. They worked their way through the shattered windshield and pushed the airbags out of the way. By now, fire was brewing under the hood and time was of the essence. The passengers were slumped to the right and being held in place by their seatbelts. The rescue party carefully released the belt while the other held their injured teammate still. Atwater took Hailey out to safety while Adam worked on freeing Jay. You could pick up sirens in the background as he dragged Jay to the sidewalk, yelling for people to move. Hailey blinked a few times before stirring, being met with great pain and confusion.

"What…where's…"

"Hailey, don't move. Help is on the way. Just stay still," Atwater spoke. Hailey fearfully looked around her, searching for Jay.

"Jay, where is he?" She tried to sit up, but the pain spiked significantly.

"He's alive. He's over there," Atwater pointed towards the lifeless body on the sidewalk. Adam looked up at him with a worried expression. The fact that Jay hadn't woken up wasn't good. Furthermore, his pulse went from steady to fast and irregular. The ambulances arrived and Jay was assessed first. They attached him to a heart monitor before raising the situation's intensity.

"Pulse is racing, he's sweating, and his breathing is shallow. Get him on fluids and an external pace maker." One of the paramedics started an IV while the other inserted a breathing tube. Adam at this point was praying, looking over at Hailey further down, trying to understand all that was unfolding. Voight was resting against his car's hood, gazing at both his injured detectives with a concerned face. He and Adam made eye contact for a moment, acknowledging the gravity of everything. The high pitch whine from the defibrillator brought Adam's attention back to the person in front of him.

"Round of epi is in. Charge to 300. Clear!" The paramedic pressed the button and Jay's body violently jolted from the electric shock. The beeps from the monitor told everyone that the heart was still unstable. Two more rounds of epi and shocks were administered. During this time, Hailey was loaded into an ambulance and on her way to Med. Atwater wore a worried face as he climbed into the rig. He was fearful for Jay's unresponsiveness and Hailey's confusion. His ride to the hospital was agonizing. Hailey was tearful on the way, fighting to get out of the collar and buckles of the gurney. The last vision of her partner was him lying dead on a sidewalk. She no longer cared what happened to her. In a way, she felt responsible for what transpired and whatever happened afterwards. She was sedated before her arrival to Med.

Back at the scene, Jay finally allowed the life saving measures to kick in after five rounds. It was a speedy load and Adam was pretty much thrown into the back of the ambulance. Most rides to a hospital were fast, but this one felt to be especially quick. Voight took the lead and guided the ambulance through the city, lights and sirens all the way. Adam took in the prone body on the gurney. Jay was still unconscious and lifeless looking. Ignoring the several, bloody, glass coated spots on his body, something was off on him. Like the person calling themselves Jay Halstead wasn't really there. This other version of him was distant, very much detached from the real world. It was like a robot took over Jay's body. Adam couldn't ignore the feeling that Jay was hiding something. He felt it for awhile, but never really knew how to bring it up. The paramedic interrupted his thoughts with a startling discovery.

"Tell Med they're going to need to run a drug screen when we get there." The paramedic who was driving relayed the information to the hospital while Adam's head snapped up.

"What?! No, no way."

"He's got injection marks on his arm and his pupils are huge."

"That could be from the accident." The paramedic remained silent, recording Jay's vitals as they pulled into the ER bay.

Someone was reading off numbers and stats as the group rolled into the ER. Adam's hearing was fuzzy and he began to feel lightheaded. He watched as Dr. Choi and the nurses transferred Jay from the gurney to the bed before removing Jay's clothing and draping a gown over his body. Choi called out tests while examining his patient. Adam didn't hear or follow anything going on around him. Life grew to a slow motion pace. He made the connection. Everything made sense. The reason behind Jay's distancing, behavior, recklessness, was made perfectly clear. Adam tried to blink away the tears. Emotions were flooding all at once and he didn't know what to do or say. Someone's warm, gentle hands guided him out of the room and down the hall to a waiting room. Atwater and Voight were already there and stood when he entered the room. April offered the men water before settling them into chairs.

"This isn't happening. Please tell me this is some horrible dream," Adam finally confessed. April took a seat next to Adam and rubbed his back, offering comfort and support. She looked over to a zoned out Atwater. Voight only grunted in response.

"They're both under the best care possible. This is not how they're going to go out." Adam sniffed before looking over at Kevin, both nodding in acceptance.

"Where's Will? Has anyone contacted him?"

"Maggie is getting a hold of him now. It was his day off so he'll probably be here soon." The next several minutes were quiet. People were moving outside the door but those in the room didn't notice or care. Their world just came to a crashing halt. (Pun not intended.) Adam was the only one aware of Jay's underlying problem and kept it to himself. No need to spread information that was both personal and unconfirmed. Instead, he attempted to push things away, desperately trying to focus on something positive. Voight felt guilty and stupid for selfishly focusing on the two people currently residing in this hospital. The floors of this place were filled with people and families going through far worse things. He was reminded of something Camille often said: "there's always someone in a worse situation than yours. Be thankful for where you are." A quiet knock came some time later and Choi took a seat.

"Hey guys. So, Hailey suffered a shattered wrist and fractured forearm and she's going into surgery now to repair the damage. She also has a grade two concussion so she'll be kept at least overnight for observation." The group nodded, waiting for the verdict on Jay.

"Jay had a pretty significant heart attack and is on his way to the cath lab to undergo a coronary angioplasty and stenting. His arteries were compromised and the heart muscle itself was injured. The procedure will hopefully reverse the damage." Kevin's eyes grew wide while Adam rubbed the back of his neck, looking up towards the ceiling to hide the tears.

"He's too young to have a heart attack," Voight blurted out. Choi nodded before speaking.

"It's rare, but it does happen. Especially when…certain things are abused." Adam stared at the doctor with blurry, helpless eyes. They both knew what caused the heart attack but refused to put the words into the air. Choi only nodded, confirming Adam's fear.

…

You know when your alarm clock blends into a dream? Like someone is trying to speak but their mouth only talks in loud beeps? This sums up Will's current dream. Days off for ER doctors ought to be renamed to sleep breaks. While most use their day off to catch up on errands or responsibilities, doctors who pull twelve to eighteen hour shifts use their free time to sleep. Will was sprawled out on his couch, fully passed out. The perpetual vibrating under his pillow went off and perfectly fit in with his dream. It was around the fourth set of rings that he forced himself out of the deep slumber. He fiddled under him to secure the phone in his hand. The stiff, sore body worked its' way into a slumped sitting position. His clothes were very much disheveled, hair a wild mess. He yawned before contemplating if ever he brushed his teeth. The phone went off for a fifth time. His blurry vision told him Maggie was on the other end. He hit the green button, yawning as he answered.

"Someone better be dying." It was silent on the other end.

"Will, Jay was in an accident and was brought in a few minutes ago. He's stable but is in the cath lab right now getting treated." Will wanted to punch himself in the face. A total jerk comment he just made. Both people were quiet, allowing the reality of everything to sink in. Will was trying to connect the dots between a car accident and a cardiac stenting procedure. It wasn't entirely out of the question, but Jay was a bit young to be having that. Unless, the impact was that severe.

"Why's he up there? What all happened," he finally questioned.

"I'll let Choi and Rhodes fill you in when you get here. Just hurry." Maggie hung up after that, leaving Will's exhausted head scared and confused. He robotically freshened himself up and packed a bag. He knew Jay would at least be staying overnight and he'd rather be over prepared than under. He took one last look around his apartment before closing the door shut. It was a mess but he suddenly didn't care. He didn't know when he'd see it again and wanted a final snapshot of this life before walking into a new one. He locked the door and headed for the L. He was too tired and distracted to be guiding a two ton piece of metal down the street.

…

The air in the ER felt different. It was thick almost, dripping in something dark, depressing. Maggie met him at the ER doors and hugged him, her over-compassionate mood only raised Will's dread. She escorted Will to the waiting room where the members of Intelligence were camping out. They all rose as Will entered, scaring him with their glum, somber faces. Will wanted more than anything to turn around. He couldn't stand this part of a situation: waiting. Waiting for news; waiting for fate; not knowing what was happening with a loved one. He bravely nodded at everyone, trying his best to inject positivity into the room. By now Antonio and Kim were present and had been filled in. Adam was still the only one who knew the entire story. Will directed his attention to Voight, asking the obvious.

"So, what happened?" Voight told everything he knew and did so with a lack of emotion. Will was thankful for that. He didn't need sobbing or anger right now, just truth. Choi and Rhodes came in an hour after Will arrived. They began by sharing their apologies with neutral faces. It was when they sat that the occupants in the room relaxed a little.

"Hailey is still in surgery but the doctor informed me that things are going well. She'll be in there for another half hour and then they'll move her recovery. He'll update you when she's out." They waited for everyone to nod, acknowledging their understanding. Rhodes looked directly at Will, telepathically communicating with him. Will got the message.

"They can stay." Rhodes look down at Jay's chart before continuing.

"Ok, as you know, Jay underwent angioplasty to correct the damage from a heart attack. We did everything we could, but the damage was beyond repair.."

"-No. Don't…no." Rhodes paused, waiting for Will to settle down.

"His heart cannot beat regularly on its' own. We had to put in pacing wires to help the arrhythmias but he's in heart failure. We've got him on medication to help correct the problem, but he'll likely need a LVAD in the next week or so. His arteries are shot and the muscle itself is about fifty percent functional." Obviously, the room was shocked. Will couldn't muster the ability to look at the people in the room, but they all were crying. Ranging from sniffs to sobs, Jay's nucleus was heartbroken and mourning. Even Voight was fighting back tears. Rhodes was saying something about being sorry, but Will didn't register the words. He was trying to keep himself conscious at this point. He'd rested his hands on his face, letting the tears seep through his hands and down his fingers. He felt bile coming up but fought it off. He kept going back to where he was a few hours ago. He'd do anything at this point to get back on that couch and fall back to sleep. He wondered if he'd never answered the phone if things would've played out this way.

He hated knowing what all was going to unfold next. In that moment, he wished he was clueless. He'd be happy, hopeful because he wouldn't know the very likely outcome was going to transpire. His brother would struggle for air, would suffer painfully, draining procedures and devices before eventually dying. Watching someone die from heart failure ranks in the top five for worst experiences. The horror factor is knowing there's nothing to reverse the deterioration. Once the damage was done, there wasn't a way to turn things around. Common sense stepped in, filling his mind with questions rather than scenarios.

"He's only thirty-four, how did this happen? He doesn't have any heart conditions and there isn't history in our family at that age." Adam closed his eyes, wanting so much to blurt out what he knew. Strangely, Will looked at him, almost expecting him to answer the question. Choi spoke up.

"Will, I think it's best if we talk in private." He stood and headed for the door, Rhodes behind him.

"Why? It's ok to talk in front of them." The doctors gave Will a stern look.

"Will, we're not asking." It instantly clicked. Will look around the room before rising, walking past the doctors at the door and heading for the doctor's lounge. They locked the door behind them, increasing Will's anxiety that much more.

"He used something," Will said. Choi opened Jay's file and handed Will a paper. He scanned the document before slumping on the couch, totally silent and numb. His only response was breathing through his mouth. A new round of tears filled his eyes as he read the paper for the third time.

"Will, I'm so sorry. Did he ever say anything, was he showing signs?"

"Did I know my brother was on cocaine and heroine and using pretty regularly? No I didn't," Will snapped back. He crumbled the paper in his hand, flinging it hard across the room. Choi gave Will a hug as he sobbed into the doctor's shoulder, not believing the unfolding of events. Rhodes pulled up a chair and placed a hand on Will's knee, forming a cupped hand under his own chin with his free hand. They all treated patients with drug abuse but this took things to a whole other level. It wasn't a stranger they were treating, it was personal. Jay, a fortress of control and strength somehow found his way into a dark, dangerous, difficult situation. Whatever reservations they had about drugs and its' users went on the back burner. Something was wrong in Jay's life and he turned to desperate measures for treatment. At the time, they didn't know the whole story, but the fact he chose to keep up the habit drove home the unrest in Jay's life. The three men were quiet for awhile, listening to the calamity on the other side of the door but not worrying. Nothing felt worse than the sorrow residing in this room. The quiet was comforting almost. It encouraged each person to really ponder; figure out where to go from here. The next few hours were going to be critical. They all needed to push feelings aside in an effort to help Jay as best they could. Will coughed after a bit and sat up, revealing his red, puffy face. He'd had his moment of emotion, now it was time to keep Jay alive.

"So, what's the treatment? He can't get a transplant because of this." Will's voice was shaky. Rhodes inhaled before answering.

"I wouldn't say he can't, but it's going to be hard. Any history of drug abuse sends up a big red flag. But, there was a case in New York of a cop who did receive a heart transplant after using drugs. The whole point of determining who's approved for a new organ is if the recipient will take the necessary steps to care for the new organ. If we can get Jay detoxed quickly, I'd say we can build a good case for him. We're going to do everything in our power to get him what he needs. But, he has to show he wants this." Will nodded, still relatively numb.

"Will, Jay needs you right now. Not as a judge or doctor but you, his brother. He needs someone who's going to overlook what has already happened and encourage and support his recovery from here on out. He's clearly hurting and he needs to know someone is out there rooting for him." Surprisingly, Will wasn't mad or upset. He was a vision of sorrow. He wanted to find Jay and hug him, let him know that he didn't hate him or view him differently. This was a misjudgment on Jay's part but it wasn't going to define him. How he responded from here would. Will stood on wobbly legs, ignoring the lightheadedness. The future scared him right now, but he clung to the belief that hope and patience would somehow win.

"Where is he?" Rhodes noticed that Will didn't if ask he could Jay. He wasn't going to be the one to stand in the way.

"Recovery room four. He's probably waking up soon." Rhodes took Will upstairs while Choi led Intelligence to an area to wait for Hailey. Will was appreciative of the quiet ride to the recovery floor. He wasn't sure what to say or do next. He just wished Jay was ready for the fight of his life.

 **Am I the only one that has a liking for guys wearing nail polish? Why can't guys do it? Also, we may be definitely stretching medicine and its' capabilities here and this case is probably rare and extreme. But that's the beauty of fictional writing. To those that are still with me, thank you. Let's all see how Jay and Will's reunion goes.**


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2- Healing And Patience Are Lovers

 **Welcome to the next chapter! Thank you so, so much for the positive feedback. You guys rock and I'm so happy and relieved you like this. A little fun fact, each chapter's title is a lyric from a song that fits with the mood or theme of each chapter. This chapter will focus on the early steps of Jay's recovery. Let's get into it together.**

The last thing he remembered was a sharp, hot pain coursing through his chest. He has no memory of driving into a pillar nor does he recall riding in an ambulance, being stripped in a trauma room, or getting a catheter inserted in his neck and a wire pushed into his chest cavity. He fell asleep with pain, he awoke with even more pain and the fuzziest head ever. He did a groggy double blink to both clear his vision and figure out how he arrived at his current location. For a brief moment, he was convinced he'd been abducted. However, the whooshing from the tube under his nostrils and the beeping from something behind him settled his fear; it was a hospital room. His searching eyes looked down to reveal an array of wires poking out from his chest and IVs on both arms. The numerous butterfly bandages and gauze patches were hiding the hundreds of stitches on his body. He was freezing at the moment and appreciated the layers of warm blankets. He raised his right arm and brought it to his face in an effort to read the hospital band. His name and date of birth were there along with the name of the hospital, a doctor's name, and a barcode. While it didn't reveal much, it did confirm his second assumption.

It was when he tried to sit up that he noticed the mood in the room. He was met with another sharper pain and hands gently laying him back down. A voice politely told him to settle down and a blurry face calmed him, saying things went well. He was completely lost on what 'things' the voice was referring to, but it was the smile the voice gave that spiked his uneasiness. It was one of those reassuring, comforting ones you get from a sibling when you're in massive trouble and awaiting trial with a parent when they arrive home. The room he was residing in was screaming what he'd figured out. He swore there was a giant elephant sitting in a corner waving, holding a neon sign that read 'you've been found out!' Everyone knew the dark secret and was trying to be that comforter in a storm. They all had crappy poker faces. Even through the grogginess of the drugs in his system, he knew that they knew. He was silent after that, afraid to say anything that would incriminate himself even more. He closed his eyes, praying for death. In that moment, dying was more attractive than dealing with the wrath of everyone. A few minutes later, the soft sliding of a door sounded and whispers were exchanged. The door slid shut and someone took a seat on his right. He kept his eyes closed for awhile longer, somehow concluding he could keep this act up for a lifetime. The person next to him called out his bluff.

"Jay, can you open you eyes?" He didn't budge. It was the drugs messing with his judgment skills. He lay motionless, trying his best to tell Will to leave.

"Jay, I know you're awake. Come on, knock it off." Will stared at his brother for a moment, taking in the scraped up, bruised face, torso, and arms of Jay's body. He carefully pulled back the sheets to examine the source of his brother's troubles. Now knowing what he knew, it was easy to see the damage the drugs had done his brother's body. His skin was eerily pale and sunken. You could make out the outlines of his ribs and hips bones. He observed the injection marks on both arms and knees. Add all that to the wires, monitor leads, and tube under his brother's nose, Will quickly concluded Jay looked like a dying person. Someone who was weeks away from ending up in this same room, expect in a more dire situation. He was both thankful this happened now and grieving that his brother was slowly dying right in front of him, everyone too busy or self absorbed to notice what all had been going on. In a way, Jay getting in that accident was a Godsend. It sped up the inevitable. Will shuttered at the truth, retuning the sheets to the freezing body before settling back into his chair. Jay finally caved and opened his eyes, both of them in a stare down. Not one of anger but one of understanding. He could tell Jay was afraid and confused.

"You want to sit up," Will asked?

"Will.."

"No, I'm not talking to you while you're laying flat on you back. Do you want to sit up?" Jay slowly nodded, tears beginning to glisten his eyes. Jay fiddled with the pulse oximeter on his finger as Will raised the bed to a normal sitting position. He rearranged the wires on Jay's body before sitting back down. Again, they both stared at each other in silence, neither one really wanting or expecting to ever be in this moment. And yet, here they were.

"What do you want to talk about first," Will asked? Jay looked around the room as he replied.

"Why am I here?"

"What do you remember?" Will was trying his best to not sound sarcastic or ill-tempered.

"Honestly, I don't remember much of the last couple of days." Will didn't show it, but internally he was rolling into the fetal position. It wasn't uncommon for drug users to have large blackouts like this. They may appear to be functioning normally, but they wouldn't be able to recall anything. Thus the reason for their uncharacteristic behavior. They really weren't present. Will just nodded, swallowing every ounce of anger and sadness in his system.

"You were in an accident. You had a heart attack while chasing a suspect and you crashed into the subway pillar at Madison and Wabash. You were brought here and once they stabilized you and you underwent a coronary angioplasty to help correct the damage from the heart attack and…the other. Unfortunately, your arteries and heart muscle were beyond repair. You're heart cannot beat regularly on its' own and you're in acute heart failure. The wires coming out of your chest are pacing wires. They're pretty much keeping you alive and conscious right now." Jay looked down at his chest as Will spoke, taking in the severity of his current situation. He briefly cried before sucking it all back in. He did this all to himself. He knew what he was doing was wrong. But he was reckless, ignoring the warning signs and potential damage. He deserved to be in this spot. Will picked up on Jay's racing mind, already knowing where his thought process was going. He reached over to place a hand on Jay's arm, hoping to stop his mind from spiraling out of control.

"Jay, what happened is in the past. Hating yourself isn't going to change what's already done. We've got to find a way to get you back on track. I'm here, everyone is here and willing to help." Jay nodded, not making eye contact with Will. His face was a vision of regret.

"Was I alone in the car?" Will wasn't sure if he should answer. Knowing his brother, he'd never forgive himself if he knew. However, if he wanted Jay to be truthful, then he needed to do the same. It wasn't for him to decide what Jay could and could not handle.

"No, Hailey was with you." Sure enough, Jay lost it. He kept mumbling something under his breath while deeply crying, heavily heaving with every inhale. Will just stared at Jay, trying to comfort him while wanting him to realize the magnitude of it all. He wanted this to be the rock bottom. His problem had seeped into someone else's life. Will too was crying by now, distraught over the horrible unfolding of events in Jay's life. They both sat there for a few minutes lost in their emotions. It was when Jay looked up that they returned to the tense atmosphere of the room.

"Hailey's in surgery but she's expected to make a full recovery." Jay nodded as he zoned out, too shocked to really respond. Will readied himself for the next part.

"Jay, I'm not here to judge or hate you. You're still my brother, no matter what. I'm asking this out of love, how did we get here? Where did things go wrong?" Jay laid back and looked up at the ceiling, really unsure of how to justify his actions.

"Jay, I need to know what happened in order to help you." He slowly brought his head down, pausing for a moment before starting.

"Do you remember when I went undercover?" Will eyes widened for a moment.

"The one from a year ago?" Jay nodded.

"Yeah. Um, there was this…situation where they offered me stuff and I couldn't say no. I had to earn these people's trust and I couldn't fake my way out of doing it. It was a meeting with the head of the cartel and it was my final test kind of thing. I promised myself it would be that one night, I'd do it to get my way in but stop afterwards. But it felt good. I hadn't been that relaxed, that peaceful in a very long time. For a few hours, I was able to forget everything and just be free. I liked it. I kept using during the case and swore I'd get off after everything was done. I tried to stop, but withdrawal was unbearable.."

"So those weekends when you had the flu…" Jay nodded.

"I was addicted and couldn't get off it. From there, I thought if I gradually lowered my dependency on the stuff, I'd eventually wean off of it. So that's what I've been doing ever since. Until a month ago when I had this sudden, extreme urge to up the doses. That's when the blackouts started. If I didn't shoot up every few hours, I'd get the worst headaches and be super jittery. I didn't know what else to do other then keep taking the stuff." Will ran his hand through his hair a couple of times, holding back every rude or negative comment that wanted to spew out.

"Ok," he finally concluded.

"Thank you, Jay, for telling me. I..um.."

"-Wished I had told you sooner. Gotten help quicker," Jay interrupted.

"Those weren't going to be my exact words, but yes." Jay shrugged his shoulders, resuming his fascination with the pulse oximeter.

"I thought I could handle it on my own. You know me, I like to do things on my own. I'm not one to ask for help." Will nodded, preoccupying himself with a string on his pant leg.

"Where did you get the stuff and where do you keep it?" Will could tell Jay was putting up a defensive mental wall.

"I need to know so I can get it out of your place, or wherever you had it. You're ready to get rid it all, right?" Jay nodded as he relaxed a little.

"I kept stashes of whatever they asked me to deal. It would be small amounts that piled up over time. It's at the apartment and in my car." Jay voice and hands were trembling. It was the first step in recovery: acknowledging the problem and parting with it. There is no worse feeling than admitting failure in one's life and asking for others to intervene. Will was proud of Jay in that moment. It was easy to see he was scared of what all was about to happen, but it was the first time he saw his brother poke through this hollow body in front of him.

"Did you ever bring it to work?" Jay vigorously shook his head.

"Never. I may be stupid and weak, but I'm not that bad off."

"Jay, you're not stupid or weak. Even the best fall down sometimes." Jay smiled, rolling his eyes while doing so.

"You did not just quote a Howie Day song." Will laughed as he nodded.

"You caught that?" Jay gave him a sassy smirk and nod. They shared a few more half laughs before settling down, resuming their silent, solemn tenor.

"I'm sorry, Will. I never wanted this to effect you, or anyone for that matter."

"But it has, and now you have me to push you. Love you, Jay."

"I know. Love you too." A knock interrupted the Halstead's little moment. The nurse announced that Jay's room was ready. Will escorted Jay to his room in the ICU and helped him get settled in. Both brother's didn't speak about it, but the air felt lighter and the world was a little brighter. The dark cloud hovering above them vanished. They both accepted the past and were ready to embrace the unknown future.

…

Jay fell asleep for a few hours, allowing Will, Rhodes, and Dr. Charles the opportunity to discuss the detox process. It was crucial that Jay get the drugs out of his system quickly. But being too aggressive would almost certainly put unwanted strain on his heart. It became a chicken and egg debate. Each one needed the other to survive, but it was a crap shoot over which was more important. Rhodes pushed for rapid detox over five days while Charles argued for traditional detox that would take ten. Will would occasionally jump in with questions, but mostly watched the two doctors argue their side. Will eventually raised his hand to offer a third option: letting Jay decide what he wanted to do. It was Jay after all that would be going through everything, better to let him choose then have someone else force him into a plan. Jay awoke around six thirty at night to three faces staring at him, all hovering over his bed.

"Hi?!" The claustrophobia was rising. Too many eyes judging him. He could almost hear their thoughts they were so close. This partly had to do with the early signs of withdrawal, but he was sincerely freaked out by everyone. They went from closely observing their patient to taking a few steps back. The heart monitor's beeps became the back up tone you here from a large truck. The further away they got, the calmer Jay's heart rate was. Jay attempted to sit up again but was met with that all too familiar shot of pure pain. He winced as Will helped him lie back, holding his hand till the pain wave subsided. Will could feel the tremors in Jay's hand and could see the glazed over headache eyes. Withdrawal was incoming.

"You feeling alright, Jay," Dr. Charles inquired? All he got was a eyes closed nod.

"Yeah, just a little out of it I guess." The room really knew what that meant.

"Detox, are you ready for it?"

"Yes," Jay strongly replied. No further explanation or persuasion was needed.

"Ok. We have two options for you. The first is rapid detox. It would take five days to flush everything out of your system and you'd be sedated the whole time. You'd wake up with some side effects of withdrawal, but the worst would occur when you're unconscious. The other option is traditional detox. You would be awake the entire time and it would last for about ten days. We'd give you drugs to help ease the symptoms, but you'd still have a rough time." During their presentation, Will focused on the doctors instead of Jay. He wanted the decision to be entirely Jay's choice. He'd support whichever choice was chosen, but had to be Jay who made the final call.

"I'm guessing there are risks with the first option or we'd be already starting it," Jay commented. Ah, that brain was still functioning even during strong influences. Rhodes took this one.

"In your current state, the rapid detox approach poses a big threat to your heart function. It's a lot of stress on the body, including the heart. But, in the timeline of things, it would be better for you to get over this hurdle so we could solely focus on getting you approved by UNOS." Jay held a hand up.

"Whoa, wait, isn't UNOS for organ donation and matching? Why would I need to get approval from them?" He turned his head towards Will.

"You didn't tell him," Rhodes asked? Will mumbled something along the lines of waiting for the right moment. Jay kept glaring at everyone, waiting for an explanation. Rhodes rubbed his temples before replying.

"I'm sorry, I thought you already knew. Your heart failure is too far progressed for the damaged to be reversed. You're going to need a transplant pretty soon." Jay's mouth was gaping open by now, his demeanor one of unadulterated shock.

"What about..all this," he asked as he gestured to the wires in his chest.

"They're buying you time for now. You're going to need an LVAD within a week. Thus the reason we need to get you through detox quickly." The room was rather quiet for a moment, the beeps in the room the only sound and movement.

"What happens if things go wrong during the rapid detox?"

"We'd resuscitate you and bring you the OR to put in the LVAD." Jay looked over at Will.

"Do the rapid detox. I've already tried the traditional method and obviously, it didn't work. Let's get this over with." There wasn't any arguing or talking Jay out of it all. Will nodded as Rhodes left to get things set up. Dr. Charles explained the events of the next few days. The whole point of detox is to make the patient's fear of it greater than the pleasure of continuing their habits. Normally, the patient was admitted to the psych department and kept in isolation while they were under. Friends and family members were not permitted during this time. However, due to the timing and sensitivity of the situation, Will would be allowed to stay and they'd keep Jay in his room. Dr. Charles discussed the side effects Jay'd likely face: tremors, shivering, profuse sweating, pain, and nausea. They'd give him anti-nausea meds so he wouldn't vomit out his breathing tube and pain meds, but the symptoms would still occur. When he'd wake up, he'd still feel some things, but the effects would be manageable. Nurses were moving around the room at this point, pushing trays with contraptions on them that would soon be keeping Jay's body functioning. Jay's eyes would briefly dart away before returning to Dr. Charles. He was petrified for what all was about to happen. His desire for a fix was screaming in his head. He nodded at the psychiatrist, but ask him what was spoken, he wouldn't be able to tell you. Dr. Charles placed a clipboard in his hands and offered a pen.

"Sign on the bottom right…here. It's acknowledging that you were informed of the procedure and give us permission to perform it." Jay's uber shaky handwriting agreed to the mild torture.

"Ok, and this one gives us to perform life saving measures while you're under." Another shaky signature was put on the bottom of the page.

"And finally, this is a surgical consent form, allowing Dr. Rhodes to perform any cardiac procedure that is deemed necessary while you're under." Jay slowly exhaled as he initialed the final paper, still in disbelief.

"Thank you, we'll get things going soon." There was a brief moment of privacy between the two brothers. Jay used it to cry one final time while Will carefully hugged him, wary of the suturing and wires scattered on his brother's body. Will carefully ran his fingers in a circular motion over Jay's back. It was a calming tactic their mother used when they were little. The tingling relief of the nails against their skin would squelch the deepest of cries. It was her quiet, loving way of comforting them, reminding them she there was for them. Will did it out of natural habit, hoping to communicate the same message to Jay.

"You're going to get through this. You'll look back on this moment a long time from now and be proud of yourself." Will felt a head shake on his shoulder.

"You don't see it now. Give it time. You'll agree with me." Rhodes poked his head in the room. Will nodded. Rhodes pulled up a circular stool next to Jay's right side and sat.

"You ready?!" Jay sniffed a couple of times while rubbing his eyes.

"Yeah, let's do this." Rhodes clapped his gloved hands.

"Ok, this is just to relax you. You'll feel really high in a few seconds. Wait, sorry." Jay smirked as he watched the syringe get screwed into his IV port. As promised, he could hear his heartbeat pounding in his ears and everything slowly faded away. Will said something to him but he couldn't make it out. He was too busy feeling that very familiar euphoria.

"And…here's the general anesthesia." Jay maybe counted to three before everything went dark. Will backed out of the way as Rhodes lowered the head of Jay's bed, prepping for the intubation. Will watched as the foot long tube easily slid into Jay's mouth and down his throat. Nurses were hanging IV bags as Rhodes listened for breath sounds. After announcing everything was in place, Jay was connected to a ventilator and IV lines began their dripping. The whole process took three minutes. Will took in his comatose brother for a moment before slipping out of the room. Jay wasn't going anywhere for awhile and did not want to witness the early stages of the medical torture.

…

"I forgot how stubborn his lock is," Will spoke through gritted teeth. He was trying to get into Jay's apartment and invited Voight and Adam for assistance. By now, the entire unit knew about Jay and were more than willing to help. Will told them he needed investigative help at the apartment, but mostly, he didn't want to do this alone. A few shoulder shoves later, the door was unstuck. To the unsuspecting eye, you'd have never guessed poisonous drugs were residing in this place. Everything was neat and tidy. Did Jay develop a bit of OCD over the last year? Perhaps. But regardless, in typical Jay fashion, the state of the place made their treasure hunt that much harder. Voight took the bedroom and bathroom while Adam took the other guest room and family room. Will claimed the kitchen and dinning area, the car saved for last. It's crazy that regardless of who uses drugs, there's this unofficial code of where to find them. Go into any place around the world and you'll find stashes in the same places; containers in the bathroom, vents, unused pots, behind books on shelves. For the next hour or so, the group compiled a single stack on the kitchen counter, each person growing more depressed as the loot grew bigger. Once the place resembled a break-in, they reconvened in the kitchen, all shaking their heads out of misery and disbelief. If there was anyone that was the least likely to pick up this habit, it was Jay Halstead. Staring at the tiny bags on the counter drove home the sad truth that no one is immune from the temptation of these life shattering vices.

"Flush it all," Will requested, Voight and Adam quickly obliging. Will returned the place to normalcy as they did the deed. He didn't have it in him to look at the stuff ever again. He also packed a bag for Jay, knowing he wasn't going to be back here for quite some time, if ever. Will pushed the upsetting thoughts aside, focusing on pairing outfits before heading for the door. They all listened to the lock click closed and slowly turned away. The two detectives volunteered to scour the car, allowing Will to head back to the hospital. Right now, Jay need Will as a caring brother instead of a sleuth. The subway back to the hospital was agonizing. One side of Will wanted to go back, strangely concluding that that solve everyone's problems. The other, more rational side kicked himself for even thinking that. As he stood for the hospital's stop, Will's whole body was shaking. The realization of everything suddenly hitting. Will put his head on the rail in the middle of the car, closed his eyes, and deeply breathed. As awful it all was, the crap was gone; out of Jay's life. Now comes the recovery part. Both physically and mentally, Jay had progressed from harm to healing. Will kept repeating that everything was fine. Jay was still here and still trying, what more could he ask for. As he made the journey to the quiet ICU room, he kept reminding himself that this was not how Jay's story was going to end. It would take more than this to take him out…hopefully.

…

"And…it's out. He's off the anesthesia now so he should be waking up in a couple of hours."

"Thanks, Connor." The surgeon nodded before slipping out of the room. Now alone, Will laid his head back on the chair and rested his eyes. The last five days were a perpetual difficult string of events. The first twenty-four hours were brutal. The convulsing and shivering were severe and Jay spiked a dangerously high fever. Jay went from being under warming blankets to getting covered in ice bags, which only made the shivering that much worse. By day two, he was having seizures every couple of hours before the fever finally broke. Despite being on anti-nausea medication, he did vomit through the breathing tube which caused a lot of mess and clean up. Thankfully, comatose Jay figured out how stupid that was and never did it again. But perhaps the most terrifying part was the condition of Jay's heart. It was like a ticking time bomb that didn't have a countdown clock. The excitement of the first couple of days made his heart rate spontaneously jump and then plummet to a crawl. Will recalled one time when his heart was in V-fib and they literally had the paddles hovering over Jay's chest and everything went normal. It was like Jay was playing some awful joke on them and Will wanted to punch his brother for it. But for the most part, his heart made it through. Granted, the strength of the muscle continued to dwindle, but the LVAD surgery was put on hold till he got through detox.

This morning, the blood test finally came back negative, giving the team the green light to awaken the sleeping beauty. Looking at Jay now, his skin had pinked up some and he looked a little fuller, which is odd because he was surviving off the feeding tube in his nose. He no longer looked like a shell, but rather, a normal, somewhat healthy human. It was shocking to witness what drugs to do the human body, but it was even more fascinating to see how quickly the body can turn things around. Will eventually fell asleep for awhile. It was funny to walk by the room and see one person asleep in a bed and another awkwardly slumped over in a chair. The two brothers had somehow connected their circadian patterns. Again, another amazing observation of the human body. Will began to resurface when he heard a quiet voice speak.

"Will?…Hey…Will."

"What, I'm up. How are you feeling?" Jay laughed while watching Will slowly maneuver out of his position on the chair. It was like watching an old man move. Will groaned the whole time, holding the small of his back for a moment. His face turning red from the glare he was receiving.

"Just don't," was the only comeback he could think of. Will concluded that this was the first time Jay was truly back in the world. His eyes were bloodshot and tired, but they looked normal. Even the little adjustments or facial expressions he made were inline with the real, normal Jay. Despite the fact that Jay was in the ICU awaiting major life changes, things were vastly better.

"So, how are you feeling?"

"Like crap. Really achey and a good headache is coming on."

"Any nausea?" Jay shook his head.

"Good, they can give you some pain meds in a little bit. You look good, man."

"Thanks…I guess," Jay jokingly replied.

"So, what's next on the agenda?"

"While you didn't get the LVAD put in while you were out, your heart muscle's function did keep decreasing. Rhodes wants to get that put in in the next couple of days. From there, we work on getting you on the list." Jay shook his head, earning a puzzled look from Will.

"What?"

"You hear about people being on 'that list' but never envision yourself having to do that. Especially at this point in life." Will nodded, very much agreeing with his brother's revelation. He glanced over at the overnight bag.

"Hey, I brought some clothes for you. Want to change?" Will assisted Jay into a sitting position and helped him swap out outfits. Jay got to briefly stand for the first time in almost a week and was astonished how weak he was. Will helped him get situated before tackling the hair. Jay hadn't washed or brushed it in five days and it was showing. The shower would have to be put on hold, but re-styling it was doable. Will ran the brush through Jay's hair all wrong, causing some irritation from the hair expert. It was a point of annoyance and hilarity and they both laughed through it all. For a brief moment, it was like going back in time to when they were kids: Will finding ways to annoy Jay and Jay fighting back. Gosh, how simple those times were.

 **Another big chapter! Thank you for sticking with me. I have not been in a family situation that the Halsteads are currently in, but I have a newfound respect and admiration for those that have. I cannot imagine having to watch a loved one struggle like this and the only thing you can do is sit beside your loved one and wait. My heart goes out to those that have had to endure it all.**


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3- This Heart And All Its' Breaking

"Welcome back, Mr. Halstead. It's all done and everything went well," is what the OR nurse said, but Jay only heard syllables of it all. No one ever mentions how general anesthesia makes your horrifically nauseous. Jay fell asleep starving and woke up wanting to empty whatever was in his stomach. Furthermore, every inch of his body was in pain. Nodding to acknowledge the nurse was a chore. There was something squeezing his legs every few seconds that made Jay flinch. Someone told him to not move his arms and he worked himself up to move a finger. Had he known the level of pain he'd awaken to, he'd had thought twice about this LVAD surgery. Aside from the suffocating tightness in his chest, something was radiating pain on both his sides. It all was unbearably hurting and Jay wanted to see how far he could go without the meds. They offered him a sip of water to alleviate the dry, sore throat and he kept his lips glued shut. There was the ever present voice whispering, 'you want to vomit?' and it took everything to not lean over and obey. He probably would have had his whole existence not been in dire pain. Instead, he closed his eyes and fell back to sleep. The anesthesia was still prevalent in his system and he welcomed its' sedative offerings. As Jay fell back into unconsciousness, he felt things moving around and under him, voices whispering as he traveled. His final thought pertained to the next step in his journey. If this was what getting pumps inserted in your chest felt like, he could only dread that a transplant was even more miserably uncomfortable.

A hand gently fell on his own, but his eyelids weighed a ton. He moved a finger, letting the owner of the other hand know he was alive and fine, relatively speaking. Again, the whispering above freaked him out. It was a dislike he'd developed while residing in this place. Whispering meant talking about him in some way without people wanting him to know. He hated it. He hated that people thought of him as weak or unstable. He did drugs for a year, not become an erratic softie. Or, maybe that's exactly what happened. Goodness, the medical drugs were messing with his head. Jay loudly exhaled though his nose to process the growing pain all over his body. The whispering voices stopped their conversation and turned their focus towards him.

"Hey, how bad is it?" Jay cracked open a single eyelid, slowly shaking his head.

"No," he softly spoke, voice reeking of pain.

"Jay, you need them." Will watched as his brother tortured himself, finally realizing why he was refusing the relief of pain meds. It was common for recovering drug users to refuse pain medication. They were afraid of getting addicted to them. It was a valid argument, but in this case, totally crazy. There are few operations more painful than open heart procedures and improper pain management could cause more harm than good. On the other hand, Will was proud of his brother for really trying to stay sober.

"Jay, it's ok to take them. I'll let you know when it's too much. You're allowed to have them." Jay slowly, painfully, opened his eyes, revealing the tired, ache filled blue eyes. They screamed for help and Will received the cue. The nurse entered the room with two syringes.

"This is demerol and dilaudid. Do you want it?" It took a few seconds for Jay to cave. He half nodded, wincing as he felt another spike of pain. Jay watched the nurse insert the syringes into his IV port and hesitated to breathe, partly waiting for the drugs to work and partly because it hurt.

"They're in. It should start kicking in soon." Jay didn't say anything, still attempting to breathe without everything hurting. The pile of bags in the corner told him he was back in the ICU room. The place was extra dark, revealing it was either really late at night or super early in the morning. He had no sense of what time or day it was, only remembering falling asleep some time ago and waking up to all this. Someone was standing over him, but looking at something above him. He'd grown accustomed to this and wasn't as freaked out over their closeness. By now, he accepted they were there to help them. Will went back to whispering as Jay felt the soothing nature of the meds. While his pain was still there, it sunk to a level he could function with. Now feeling slightly more coherent, it was time to address the room.

"Really nauseous," he mumbled.

"I know, it's from the anesthesia. Do you want phenergan? It'll really help." Jay nodded. He didn't care it meant someone pulling the sheets down and injecting it into his hip. Anything was better than being seconds away from throwing up. It was weird he had reached this mentality of whatever. He was normally a private, closed in person but now, he didn't care what people saw or knew. He accepted the vibe of this place that they were there to help, not judge. They'd truly seen it all and nothing fazed them. For those that have never been in this moment of clarity, it's unfathomable to think that. But when you're there, you get it.

"Is it getting better," Will asked a few minutes later?

"Yeah." Will took in his brother motionless, exhausted body that now donned two lines connected to a new device on the side of Jay's bed. The kid had been through hell and the biggest hurdle was hopefully still to come. Perhaps the most surprising and uplifting thing about Jay was how oxygenated his skin looked. They decided to do the VAD surgery today because Jay's breathing had gotten worse over the last few days. While it's normal for those in heart failure, it was the first glimpse into the end. Even though he told Jay everything was fine and normal, Will was genuinely freaked out. Now on the pump, his blood was receiving more oxygen and therefore, helping him breathe a little better. But, Jay still had to stay on the cannula, much to his dislike.

"Rhodes was in here when you were asleep. He said things went well as expected. The only hiccup was that they had to do a BIVAD, which means you have two pumps doing the work of both heart chambers. But, your breathing should be a lot better now. Also, you're sternum is re-fusing so don't move your arms too much. It would be bad if it got misaligned." Jay nodded a couple of times as Will spoke, acknowledging what all happened and not really caring. If it helped keep him alive a little longer, then that was enough. Jay attempted to speak, but was met with a cough instead, encouraging a couple of curse words. Will offered him a ice cube, telling Jay to hold it in his mouth, allowing the melting cube to slowly work its' way down. The two of them sat in silence for a moment, waiting for the stomach to do it's thing. Jay somewhat shrugged after a bit, encouraged that the anti-nausea meds were working.

"It's…three thirty-five in the morning, man. Get some sleep." Jay didn't need an invitation. He blinked a few times before dozing off. Will maneuvered into a comfortable position in his cot (a gift from the nurses) and slowly drifted off, being swooned by the monitors and pumps' wave-like sounds. He must've fallen asleep for a moment before Jay woke up.

"Has anyone been here," he asked? Will grunted a, 'what?!'

"Has anyone been here, Will?" Without moving a muscle, Will replied.

"They were here for a bit when you were in surgery. We can ask them to come back tomorrow…today…whatever."

"What about Hailey?" Will sat up now.

"She's doing well. She got discharged a couple of days ago and is home resting. And yes, she came earlier. Now, get some sleep. We both need it." In no time, the two of them were totally and completely out.

…

The sharp pain was dulled a little when he awoke the next morning, but a growing bruise sensation was sprouting. It was like bruising the bottom of your foot and then stepping on it for hours. Every breath, every tiny adjustment, that agonizing bruise feeling was letting itself known. During the night, Jay would wake up every few hours in pain. Some times he'd be half awake and other times he'd fully functioning, hitting the button on his bed for a nurse. The night was a long one and the sunlight poking through the shades didn't faze the exhausted people. It was a funny metaphor, the darkness of the pain finally subsided and the welcoming sunlight of morphine made everything better. At last, the Halsteads could experience some quality sleep. It was noon when Will finally arose, glancing at his phone to a plethora of messages. He'd texted Voight at some point during the night about visitation and he finally got back to him. The messages progressed from a 'yes' to 'wondering what time' to 'saying everyone was on their way and would be there within the hour.' Will replied with instructions and directions, putting his phone down to see a tired-eyed Jay looking around the room.

"Hey, the team's gunna be here in like twenty minutes." Jay curtly nodded, the morphine probably making him spaced out.

"I want to get up."

"Ok, good! Why don't we change first." Will stumbled out of his bed and fumbled through the bag, simply pairing shirt with pants, ignoring if they matched or not. He gently held Jay's back and slowly pulled him forward. With Jay's chest wired shut, his ability to move himself up was non-existent and extremely painful. Even with Will's help, the moving of bones, surgical wires, staples, and sliced muscle made Jay wince with pain. He tried his darnedest to play it off, but he couldn't fool Will. Once the hospital gown was removed, Will took in the foot long strip of gauze down Jay's center. It was unsettling, but the thing that really got to him were the two beige cords sticking out on the left and right sides of the incision site. Jay didn't look, not ready to see what all had happened and what was still to come. They both looked at each other with reassuring faces.

"It's ok," Will blurted out, Jay only nodding.

"I need to check the incision. This is probably going to hurt so I'll go slow." Will gently pulled the tape away and ever-so-carefully tugged at the gauze, hesitating when it snagged on a staple. Jay's breathing was shaky, but he didn't stop Will. Better to suffer for a moment than endure eternal pain. The gauze did reveal bruising where the sternum was sawed and there was some dried blood on either side of the staples. Will lightly dabbed the stapling clean and applied fresh dressings. From there he disconnected the heart monitors leads and IVs before buttoning Jay's shirt. He then moved the VAD pump and oxygen tank closer to the bed. Jay began to take the cannula off but Will wasn't having that.

"Eh, nice try. That's not allowed off, ever."

"Seriously? I don't want to look like a frail old person."

"But in a way, you kind've are." Jay gave him a shocked expression as he scooted closer to the bed's edge.

"Your bedside manner is impeccable. You should teach a class on it." Will playfully slapped the back of Jay's head, earning him another horrified look. Once pants were on, Will grabbed the left arm as Jay's feet touched the cold concrete floor. He was a little wobbly, but was upright.

"Any lightheadedness or dizziness?" Jay shook his head, keeping his eyes fixed on the prize.

"Ok, don't go too fast." It was like watching the grandparent from _Willy Wonka_ get out of bed. Jay took two or three steps before collapsing a little, Will always there to steady him. The embarrassment was glowing red on Jay's face but he eventually made it to the chair and turned around. Will carefully pushed on Jay's shoulder in an effort to relieve stress on the surgically injured abdominal muscles. Will moved the machines around the chair before raising the chair's ottoman to a normal, comfortable level. He plugged Jay's essentials back in before sitting down for a moment.

"Well that was highly embarrassing," Jay confessed as Will got up to gather things from the bathroom.

"Oh chill, you did well! Most people have to be told to get up." The morning routine of brushing teeth and hair and washing of the face was quick. Will held up a razor, offering a shave. Jay hadn't done the act in over a week and it was showing. He entered the hospital with the usual stubble, but it had blossomed into a patchy, thin beard. It didn't look good.

"You want me to do it?"

"No, no way. I'll do it." Will filled a pink bucket with water and grabbed some shaving cream, placing it all on Jay's lap. Will held a mirror as Jay's hand shook, creating a jagged shave line down his face. He made it three strokes before admitting defeat.

"Don't take advantage of this," Jay warned.

"How about we not threaten the guy with a razor blade against your neck." Will meticulously finished up the task, half listening to Jay's instructions. A soft knock sounded as Will was cleaning up the bathroom. He heard a chorus of greetings behind the closed door.

This was the first time they'd all seen Jay since he entered the hospital and Will was relieved to hear a lack of negatively or questioning. Also, he was kicking himself for thinking they'd judged Jay. They were more than teammates, they were extended family. In a crisis situation, family gathers together and overlooks mistakes, only focusing on how to make their person get through the problem. He opened the door as Jay was mid-explaining.

"So that machine is basically pumping your heart," Atwater asked?

"Umm…," Jay looked to the medical expert for this one.

"In a way, yes. His heart cannot pump enough blood to keep him alive so the pumps are compensating for that, both encouraging and taking over the heart muscle's reduced function. It's called a bridge to transplant because it's the final thing you can do before getting a new heart."

"Where is he on the transplant part? Is he on the list yet," Adam asked? Jay shook his head.

"Conner is meeting with the board today so…fingers crossed." Will took his signal.

"I promised him I'd help with the case so I'll leave you guys alone for a bit. Do you need anything, Jay? What's the pain level?"

"I'm fine." Jay's lack of an answer told Will that the number was high. He would never understand his brother's desire to be tough amongst his peers. He gave Jay a questioning look.

"I'm fine. I will let them know if it gets bad." Collective nods were given and Will worked his way through the people and out the door. He only imagined what the conversation would be like once he left.

…

It got awkwardly quiet fast. Adam and Atwater were sitting on his bed, swinging their legs off the end. Hailey and Kim grabbed the cot while Antonio and Voight leaned against the wall. Once Will left, the room turned from informative to apologetic. They weren't sure who was supposed to speak first, so they looked to each other, encouraging the other person to do it. While they weren't mad at Jay and desiring to chastise, they knew what all had happened since they saw him last. Jay didn't know how else to start this so he inquired about the case, a nice segway into his ultimate speech.

"Did you catch the guy?" Honestly, he wasn't sure who this perp was, just asking based on what Will relayed to him.

"Yeah, a couple of days ago. We found him in an halfway house posing as a homeless person. He confessed to the whole thing before we got him to the district. Guy was out of his mind high when we arrested him…oh wait.."

"-No, don't feel bad. I deserve it all." They all came back with a bunch of, 'no's' and 'don't say that's,' and Jay appreciated it, but they weren't convincing him.

"Guys, I need apologize to you all. I kept my problems from you guys for a year, ignoring the warnings and known side effects, only focusing on what I wanted versus the greater good. I was foolish in thinking I could handle it on my own. I didn't trust you guys and I'm sorry. I do appreciate the reassurance, but I messed up, royally, and now I have to suffer consequence. Which I'm more than willing to do. I'm sorry I let you guys down. I should've come to you about this and for a reason I'll never really know, I didn't. I'm committed to getting through this and earning your trust back. I'm sorry."

"Jay, we all accept your apology, but you didn't have to. We get it. We all have mistakes in our past. I won't air out everyone's dirty laundry, but each person has things they're embarrassed about, me included. We're not here to judge but to see how we can help. You may have gotten yourself into all this, but we're all with you, willing to help," Voight replied. Jay scanned the room for a moment, truly accepting the forgiving vibes they were sending. He couldn't understand easily forgiving something like this, but they were. Call it grace, call it love. They were unofficially family and he wasn't sure what he did to deserve them. The nurse came in, interrupting their moment.

"Sorry, just checking vitals." She documented the vitals and oxygen levels in Jay's chart, whispering something in his ear before he shook his head.

"Jay…" Hailey spoke with a warning tone.

"It's fine. We won't think any less of you." He rolled his eyes as he nodded, everyone smirking as the dose of pain meds went in. It was fascinating to see how relaxed Jay got after they were administered.

"I was going to throw this to you, but your catching skills are crap these days," Atwater commented, getting a shocked reaction. He got up from the bed to place a big, clear bag of joy in Jay's lap.

"You guys are so bad, thank you." It was an assortment of his favorite candy. Despite his fitness regime and healthy eating habits, candy was the one area where he let himself slide. Perhaps it was childish, but he viewed it as a necessity. Long work nights screamed for a sugar rush, aiding in his alertness level. Also, it was just too good to give up. He noted the varying gummy ring flavors, jelly beans, and sour patch kids. He loved that they'd picked up on his candy preferences.

"I'm sure they'll kill me for this, but life is short, right?" He unknowingly dove in and grabbed a small handful, eating as they talked about a new case they were working on, life happenings, desiring to keep Jay updated on life outside these walls. It was a huge morale boost. For the first time in over a week, Jay wasn't talking or thinking about himself and his problems. It was great to get back in the swing of things. Plus, he could finally thinking clearly and wholly. No longer was there a small voice reminding him to shoot up soon. Why he didn't do something sooner he'll never understand. It was great to finally be somewhat healthy again. Will came in a few minutes later, indicating to everyone that visitation was over for today. Will noticed Jay slip something to his side and decided to not say anything. In truth, he already knew about it and gave them the go ahead. He went to move the bottom half of Jay's chair down so he could get up, being stopped by Jay before he did so.

"I need to talk to Hailey real quick." You could see the tiredness in his eyes, but Will wasn't going to stop him.

"Ok, I'll stand outside for a couple of moments, you need to sleep though." Jay nodded. Will asked Hailey to hang back and she obliged, claiming the now vacant bed.

"How are you feeling," Jay asked? She looked down at her arm in the sling before responding.

"Pretty good. Doctor said everything went well and things are back in their place. The cast will come off next month. I'm doing well." She gave Jay that playful smirk he was beginning to enjoy. It was something they exchanged, each knowing what the other meant but not acknowledging or doing anything about it.

"I'm sorry you got in the middle of all this. I'm really sorry you had to be an innocent bystander. It was stupid of me.."

"-Jay, you don't need to apologize. I'm ok, you're going to be ok. Let's focus on that, alright?!" He was seriously fighting sleep right now, only blinking and half nodding. She got up and placed a soft kiss on his forehead, watching as he smiled before falling asleep. She quietly left the room, letting Will know Jay was out. He decided to leave his brother put. What Jay didn't know was that Rhodes was a few floors up, fighting for the continuance of Jay's life.

…

"Patient is a thirty-four year old male who entered the ED after a car accident. Initial evaluation and testing revealed acute heart failure and was treated with a coronary angioplasty which was unsuccessful. He was placed on pacing wires for a week before undergoing BIVAD surgery thirty-six hours ago. Post-op EKG and echocardiogram reveal the continued deterioration of the heart muscle and main arteries. The next and only option is a transplant and one that he needs quickly." Conner Rhodes watched as the panel of doctors and higher ups thumbed through the large case file, observing a page's contents before glancing at the next. It was like the scene in _Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix_ when Harry had to sit in front of a disciplinary hearing. Numerous silent and serious eyes were gazing at Rhodes as he spoke, each one trying to find something to deny his request. The silence between his speech and questioning was awful. Rhodes was afraid to blink, thinking they'd hear it. The head of the selection committee spoke first.

"Your patient entered the ED with apparent drug abuse signs and blood test revealed cocaine and heroine in his system. As you know, drug users are more often then not denied a transplant. Why does this patient need to be the exception to the unofficial rule?"

"Because he's owned up to his mistakes and under went rapid detox within twenty-four hours of being admitted. Since then, he's been clean and shown zero signs of wanting to relapse. In fact, he only speaks of regret. The way in which he came in contact with the drugs is confidential, but the situation was dire. He knew it was wrong, but did it for the greater good."

"Explain that," the harsh woman replied.

"Again, it's confidential information. I only know small parts of it all. What I can tell you is that my patient was undercover in a drug cartel and forced to take the drugs, not doing so would've blown the case."

"But he continued to use after the case?" She was really digging deep into Conner's patience. He took a breath before responding.

"Yes, after failed attempts to detox. He wanted to get rid of it all, but was scared. Wouldn't we all be if we tried to do something like that on our own? Look, this isn't in the file because I didn't want to have to use it, but my patient is a dedicated police officer out of the twenty-first district. He's a detective, actually, and a strong member of the Intelligence Unit. He has faithfully served this city for six plus years. Do we not owe it to him? Is this not a way for us to thank him for his service? He made a mistake, we all know that. But he's made giant steps to turning his life around. Why would we deny him life for one mishap. Would any of us be here if life ruled that way?" The room was quiet for a moment, heads nodding as they turned to their leader. Rhodes relished in his silent victory. He didn't break eye contact with the nosy woman.

"Ok. Dr. Charles, you've interacted with the patient, does he get your approval?"

"I've met the patient several times over the last few years and I've come to respect him. Even meeting with him in those early hours after his admission, he was very much sorrowful and regretful, fully realizing how his actions played a role in his current predicament. I would recommend he be put on UNOS' list immediately. However, I could include a caveat: he must enter a rehab program within sixty days after surgery and be under continuous supervision till that point."

"But Dr. Charles, what kind of message does that tell other people on the list who did everything right and still end up in the same situation? There are people on that list who've been there for years, each one with heartfelt stories similar to this patient." Dr. Charles looked to Conner for a moment, each mentally communicating with the other.

"We could sit here for days debating this one, but that's not the point of this meeting. The whole reason this list was invented was to analyze a patient's facts and post-op quality of life and then arrange them based on who needed help sooner than the others. I don't need to tell you this, but I feel the need to remind everyone. This patient is young, relatively healthy, and dedicated to doing whatever is necessary to care for himself post-surgery. Furthermore, he has—what—a couple more weeks? It's not sending a message that we care about public servant more than the general public nor is it us saying drug addicts are not held accountable. We are saying that this person's only way to live is with our help, and we are willing to fill that need." All eyes turned back towards the meeting's leader.

"Thank you, Dr. Rhodes. We will take everything into consideration and let you know in a few hours. Keep your phone handy." It took everything in him to not bolt for the door. The air was suffocating him and he wanted out of all this. On the elevator ride to the ICU, he kept going back and forth, wondering if he sealed the deal or just handed Jay his death notice.

…

Jay was halfway back in bed when Conner slid the door open, a hopeful set of faces turning to greet him. It was clear that Jay was embarrassed to have an audience watching him slowly maneuver into bed, so Rhodes went to grab the wand and monitor for the echocardiogram. This and an EKG were done daily in an effort to carefully track Jay's declining heart function. He returned a few minutes later, pretending everything was running per the norm. He picked up his stethoscope and rubbed the bottom of it before gently pressing it on Jay's chest.

"Well?! When do we find out." Conner shushed Will, focusing on the rhythm and beats of Jay's heart. He moved from the left to the right of Jay's chest before helping him sit up and listening to his lungs on his back. He carefully rested Jay against the pillows before speaking.

"It was hard to read the room but I did my best. Daniel also helped a lot so we'll see. They'll call me in a couple of hours." He turned his focus towards his patient.

"We're going to up the oxygen intake for a bit and if that doesn't work, we'll move to a mask. Which I know you'll love." Jay rolled his eyes, humoring the surgeon.

"How bad is the breathing?"

"It's just all really tight. I thought it was just from the surgery and pumps."

"Well, it's a combo of both. But your lungs sounds aren't all that great." From there, the EKG and echocardiogram were completed, each telling what they all already knew. He added steroids and blood thinners to Jay's drug regimen before leaving to attend to his other patients. He felt his phone buzz as he clicked the elevator button. His hand instantly shook as he recognized the ordering of the ten digits. He swallow his dread before answering.

"This is Rhodes," he replied, doing his best impression of unfazed.

"Dr. Rhodes, this is Charlotte Mack from UNOS. I wanted to thank you for meeting with the board earlier today. I appreciate your dedication to your patient and I have to say I was touched by his situation." Rhodes swallowed as she spoke, waving his hand in a circle trying to speed her speech along.

"We have voted to place your patient on the list and he is at the top. Good luck to you." It took everything in him to not scream and run down the halls.

"Thank you, Ms. Mack. I appreciate your willingness to help." He made sure he hung up before letting it all out. Everyone remembers the Peter Benton celebration. Conner Rhodes' was something like that, but add the Rocky stance at the top of the steps. He got weird looks from people but did not care at all. He sat there on the floor for a few seconds, taking in the miracle that just occurred. He whispered something as he looked towards the ceiling, recognizing only He could've pulled off something like that. A burst of energy bubbled up in him, yelling at him to run down the hall. Will and Jay were talking as he landed against the door and dramatically slid it open.

"You made it. You're on the list," Conner panted at the doorway. Will gasped as his eyes went wide. Jay replied with a 'holy shit,' before apologizing for the foul language.

In a way, the moment was sadly poetic. A heart that had beat for him since week three in his mother's womb was giving up its' fight. Through every sickness, struggle, victory, and exhilarating moment, the fist size organ was there for him; pumping life into his veins. And now, because of his carelessness, he had to part ways with his longest companion in order to live. Part of him didn't care that that's the way things had to be. On the flip side though, he felt like a failure. Something that was always there for him, asking for not a lot in return, and he couldn't stay strong enough to fight for it. But, what really drove home the gravity of everything was the fact that someone would have to make the ultimate sacrifice on his behalf. Whoever was alive today would have to give up everything for him. Jay Halstead, a recovering drug abuser, was asking of someone else what he couldn't easily do in return. He didn't see why he deserved or had the right to ask this of someone. While they were all elated that Jay was getting a second opportunity to live, it finally hit him that they were—in a way—hoping for someone else to not be so lucky. There was no other way around it, someone had to die so he could live. He wasn't sure how to feel in this moment. He had a rough night of sleep, mind racing a million miles a second. He wanted to live, but couldn't accept the unfolding of coming events.

 **I researched a lot for this story and have developed a deep respect for those who have willingly elected to become organ donors. It truly is the ultimate sacrifice and gift we can give to the world. Furthermore, the human body was designed with organ donation in mind. We have two kidneys, but can survive on one. Our liver can have a portion of it removed and regenerate over time. Our heart and lungs can survive long enough post-mortem to be safely and successfully transplanted into another person. If you are not an organ donor, I encourage your research it. It's a beautiful and fascinating read. Back to the story, we had a good chunk of emotional moments and I hope you enjoyed them. A note on Jay's drug withdrawal. We will delve into that side of his recovery soon. Right now, it's about keeping him alive before we tackling that challenge. Next chapter, we'll see the next step in Jay's recovery. Thank you for reading!**


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4- The Night We Met

It was fifteen days later when the call came in. Jay had surpassed the two week deadline, but just barely. Since being put on 'the list,' Jay's health steadily deteriorated. Seven days in, he was maxed out on steroids and receiving breathing treatments every four hours. The side effects of that was constant jitteriness and swelling all over. He went from looking frail and underweight to plump and on edge. Also, his lips were always a slight hue of blue. At one point, he described his lack of air as inhaling through a straw and someone would kink the line, making it impossible for any air to get through. He was intubated twice and fought the ventilator days later. The morning of day fifteen he was on an oxygen mask and wheezing, barely opening his eyes or speaking. The mood in the room began at optimism and fell to desperation. Will never left Jay's side during these final days. He wanted Jay to know he was with him till the end of the line. But more importantly, he didn't want to miss these final moments, despite their cruelty.

Aside from the breathing problems, the worst part in all of this was the slow death of the heart. Every morning, they'd awaken to the heart monitor beeping a slightly slower beat. They tried every medication legally allowed but nothing availed. His heart was shutting down and all they could do was hope and pray. Will even discussed an artificial heart but Rhodes warned of the uncertainties. Artificial hearts were typically used in steadier cases. They were intended for people who weren't as far along as Jay and could live for months on the device. In his current state, Rhodes wasn't sure Jay would survive the operation much less the early hours of recovery. Bypass would only buy them hours, not days. Their days consisted of exams, brain storming, and sitting by a phone, mentally telling it to ring. Their prayer was met at one fifty-three PM.

It was a whirlwind of steps getting Jay from the ICU, to pre-op, to an OR to get his BIVADS removed before the heart's viability expired. A heart matching Jay's blood type and tissue became available in Indianapolis and the transplant team was en route. By some minor miracle, Jay was conscious when they received the call. He still had apprehensions about the whole thing, but he finally arrived at the point of acceptance. The gift of a heart was this person's final act on this earth, who was he to stand in their way. He didn't ask about the donor nor was he giddy about the whole thing. He was at a crossroads and he opted to choose the path to living. He only cried once and that was in the elevator on the way to pre-op. It was Will, an OR nurse, and him in the elevator. Jay reached to feel his slow, sick heart beat against his hand for the final time, saying farewell to the incredible little guy. Through closed eyes, he felt the faint thumps giving their all, attempting to hang on for awhile longer. He didn't notice the pain this caused because he was too consumed with the hurt in his mind. It felt like his soul was about to depart from him and he was scared. Not about the operation, but what would happen afterward. He worried he'd be drastically different, forming new opinions or dislikes than what he was accustomed to. Would he still want to be a cop after all this and would he still have the same passions as before? And then came the cruel reminder that all this was happening because of his inability to resist temptation. It was at this point that the tears starting falling. Will turned from the elevator door to the sniffling person behind him, grabbing the hand closest to him and smiling, reminding Jay he was going to be fine.

In pre-op, Will assisted in the changing of Jay's attire and distracting him as a central line was inserted for the by-pass machine. He tried his best to inform Jay of what he'd wake up to and what the first few hours would be like. It was clear to see Jay's worry and talking seemed to be the solution. The oxygen mask was replaced with a cannula and the brothers were left alone for a few precious moments.

"You ready?" Will gave his best doctor reassurance face as he watched Jay fidget with the new IV port in his hand.

"I don't know. We've discussed this for awhile and…it's real now. No longer are we talking the talk."

"Hey, you're going to be ok. You get the easy part in all of this." Jay shook his head.

"Not really, I get to live the outcome of it all and it's up to me to make sure it was all worth it."

"So do that. You like challenges. Make this the next one. Let this second act be the one that really counts." Thank the Lord for Will and his always positive disposition. While Jay was losing a small part of him, a new element was about to come into existence. With it, he could finally get out of this place and experience life again. It was ok to grieve what was about to be lost. But at some point, you have to turn your attention to the good that was to come out of it all. Relief was hours away and it was hard to not get a little excited about that.

"Yeah…thanks Will. This has been…crazy, for lack of a better word. Thanks for not giving up." Will sat at the end of the bed and smiled.

"Anytime. Love you, Jay." A knock stopped Jay from replying.

"OR is all set up. Ready to roll," Conner asked? Jay looked at Will as he nodded, mentally pumping himself up. Both doctors maneuvered the bed out of the pre-op room and pushed till they reached the OR doors, stopping for a moment.

"This is where I leave you guys," Will announced.

"I'll be there when you wake up." Jay was mentally gone, somewhere far away from where his body was. Will only got a nod before releasing him into the competent and caring hands of the cardiac team. He stood at the door till the group disappeared. It's odd watching a family member go through all this. While you're anxiously excited for the other side of it all, getting to that point was a chasm of dread and unpredictability.

…

The world rapidly shrunk to the size of an OR table. Jay winced at the power of the lights above him as he was parked adjacent to the table he'd spend the next several hours. He must've been given something because his ears were pounding and everything was floating. When they moved him from the gurney to the table, he didn't really notice the discomfort the transfer caused. He could feel things being connected to varying parts of his body. Voices were saying something but it was like they were speaking underwater. Jay was nervous he'd start talking gibberish with no one to hold him back. It seemed to be years later when someone got close to his right ear and told him to count to ten as a large, clear mask fell on top of his face. This was it, don't get scared now. He nodded, told everyone farewell, and allowed the heavy gas to do its' thing.

"1…2…3…" _Goodbye old pal. I'm sorry._

…

It was an unconventional waiting room but then again, convention was not in this group's vocabulary. Oh, he did try to sit in the OR waiting room at first, but by the fourth hour he couldn't take the suffocating silent air a moment longer. He stormed off, beelining it for the metal door at the top of the stairs at the end of the hall in front of the elevator. The fresh air did wonders for his spirits. He stood against the brick border of the building and closed his eyes, breathing in that sweet, salty, smoggy, hot dog infused air. The city was stunning. But then again, after the weeks they'd all been through, fog would have looked magnificent. The sky was waxing darkness, the faintest of orange and blue hues were trimming the outskirts of the sky. The west end of the city had just about swallowed it's daily dose of the sun. The fun game of watching the copious amounts of light bulbs flip on was beginning. It was like role call in school. Each bulb was letting the world know they were here and ready to guide them home. The infamous outline of this city never got old. Old faithfuls stood proud in their aged foundations while cranes poked out behind them, crafting new friends for the old geezers. The honking horns of businessmen and businesswomen rushing home to their night life were a symphony, playing the concerto of traffic in the windy city. Behind Will, the lake was a ribbon of dark blue. A boat horn often sounded and if you listened hard enough, you could pick up the yelling as boats crossed each other. Down below, someone was yelling at another person about their crappy parking job. Will detected a, 'Hey asshole, the lines aren't suggestions ya know!' Every city has it's own personality. Chicago's was tough, rugged, and strong and Will loved it most of all.

He laughed as he spotted the lawn chair tucked away under the brick border. Prior to today, he hated when people left things up here. Warned everyone that mucking the place up would end their allowance to stay up here. Now though, he silently thanked the lazy person who left the chair. There was nowhere else he wanted to be and was grateful for the front row seat to the world. He unfolded the chair and dropped it close to the edge so he could prop his feet up and lean the chair back. His phone buzzed as he settled in.

 _How's it going?_ Will smacked himself as he read the message from Voight. In the whirlwind of things, he'd somehow forgotten to let the team know. He responded with instructions to bring chairs and meet him on the roof. He was ready to defend himself and his weird request. Instead, he received one word: OK. Will wondered if Voight took it as good or bad. He began to type things out, but then deleted it all. It wasn't proper for them to learn of big things like this over text message; few announcements are actually. He put the phone away and went back to his business of city watching.

…

"Wow…I mean…wow. He's really getting it?"

"Yeah, it's happening below us."

"How long has he been in there?" Will glanced at his phone for the time.

"Um, about five and a half hours. He'll probably be done in a couple more." It was hard to read the team. Some had better poker faces than others. Kim was the worst one. She kept smiling and would laugh after someone spoke. Hailey and Voight were superb, not letting anything sway their expression. The rest were shocked at first but then bottled it all up. They were happy for Jay, sad for the person who lost their life today, and a little uneasy about the surgery. It was a crazy time.

"I'm sorry I didn't call you guys sooner. It was a lot going on at once and.."

"-It's all good." They all took in the view in front of them. It was pitch black now and the twinkling diamonds of the city shone bright. There was a quietness up here. You could detect the lull of tires hitting asphalt and the humming of engines, but it was off in the distance. At this viewpoint, it was you and the city. The peacefulness was welcoming.

"So this isn't a bad place to wait," Adam confessed. Will nodded as he sipped the coffee they brought. Yes, it was January. Yes, it was freezing. But they all didn't seem to notice.

"We might develop hypothermia, but this is worth it," Antonio joked.

"Well, help isn't too far away if that happens." Will laughed, raising his thermos.

"To close proximity." They clanked their thermoses together, cheering in unison. It was fun getting to see this side of the team. For the most part, he got to interact with them while they were all on the job. Here, they were just a group of friends hanging out like high school students on a Friday night. Will understood why Jay loved and respected these people so much.

"Jay would enjoy this," Will eventually spoke, sobering the mood a bit.

"He's going to be fine. No way he comes this far and quits."

"Very true."

"I'm glad to know I'm not the only who thinks that of him." They returned to sipping and staring, the only contact was made with eyes. And that's how it all went for the duration of the waiting game. They'd occasionally bring up a topic but always return to silence. Despite the different lives and paths sitting on the roof, it was incredible to see how alike they all really were. Will would cherish this day for numerous reasons, the best being this time.

…

Some time later, the metal door slammed into the concrete pillar in the path of its' swing, making everyone jolt out of their running minds. Heads turned in unison to see a befuddled Conner Rhodes.

"I didn't want to believe the crazy rumor going around downstairs. You guys do realize it's January and you live in Chicago, right?" They laughed at his perplexed demeanor.

"And yet, here we are." Rhodes sped walked over to the group and sat crossed legged in front of everyone. The existence of Rhode's somewhat positive mood hinted that things went well. The time had arrived for the verbal confirmation.

"So, after eight hours of removing BIVADS and swapping out hearts, valves, and correcting damaged arteries, everything went well. Really well actually. The slight hiccup was getting the new heart to start but that's very much normal, especially for a body that was in severe failure like Jay. He's still intubated and will be so till he fights the vent. He's in recovery now and should wake up in a few hours." Perhaps it was frigid air or the swelling relief, but Rhodes was interrupted by a thunderous applause, a few cheers may have slipped out as well. Rhodes stood from his perch and jokingly took a bow, half wishing he knew what drug this group was on.

"When can we see him," Hailey asked?

"Well, Will can come down with me to recovery, but you guys will unfortunately have to wait a couple of days. He's in prime condition to pick up an infection and that could be fatal. We have him on antibiotics to help boost the immune system, but visitors will be limited till he's gotten a few rounds of drugs in him. Once he's extubated and in the clear, I don't care how often you guys show up." Their faces dropped a little, but understood. They joined Conner is standing up and began to pack their things. They all rode the elevator together and finally felt the effects of being outdoors for that long. Each wore bright red cheeks and runny noses. Now feeling warmth for the first time in hours, they couldn't stop shaking, hugging each other to create instant heat. It was at the OR floor that they went their separate ways. Everyone made sure to bid farewell to the two doctors, receiving promises that they'd be kept updated. The two of them stood on the other side of the elevator door, watching it close before heading for the big doors. It took every ounce of patience in Will not to jog to the recovery suite. He'd briskly walk a few steps and then slowed himself down. Conner laughed at him. It was amazing what relief does to the human body. Upon arriving at the recovery room's door, Conner held Will up for a moment.

"I know you already know this, but just remember he is there under everything. He's got four drainage tubes in his chest and one in his neck. He also has a feeding tube down his nose. The central line is still in and the pacing wires are back to help with the arrhythmias. He's also got a lot of monitoring cords. Just giving you the heads up." Will nodded, appreciative of Conner's looking out for his psyche. The surgeon slowly pushed the door open, leading Will to an enclosed area at the end of the room.

He understood why he was reminded of Jay's current state. The first thing Will recorded was the strong heartbeat sound coming from the screen above Jay. It was sweet music to his tired ears, accustomed to quiet pitter patter of the dying heart. The beat was irregular, but the strength came through. The next thing Will observed was how lifeless Jay looked. He resembled a cadaver used in med school. It was amazing to think how a fist sized organ could require this much attention and care. Will moved to the left side of Jay's bed and pulled up a swivel stool from the corner, gently holding the lukewarm, limp hand. The last time he saw his brother, he was exhausted but trying. Trying to hold on for dear life. Fighting to survive a few more hours. Now, he looked like someone who endured the worst event of their life. His hair was a mess and his body language screamed done. It was like at the end of a movie when the action star wakes up in the hospital. Every fiber of their being is depleted and they can only work themselves up to talking, retiring to sleepville after a short time. Whatever obstacle Jay had to overcome, he did it. No more dread. Gone was the anxiety. It was finished. Will watched his brother's worn-out chest move up and down for a moment, each motion a small victory. He took in the ginormous incision running down his sternum and the many wires and tubes surrounding it. He knew they all had a purpose, but actually looking at them all solidified the uneasiness. Will moved up to Jay's face, surveying the tube taped against one side of Jay's mouth and snaking into a plug on the ventilator. Another, thinner tube was poking out of his right nostril and taped against his right cheek. Even with the breathing help, he looked peaceful. Will squeezed Jay's hand as he attempted to fix the hair with the free hand.

"Hey bud, it's all done. I'm right here." He knew a response wasn't coming, but he wanted to verbally announce that the end was upon them. Tonight, he could fall asleep knowing there was a great chance his brother would wake up in the morning. Will sat in recovery with Jay for an hour before he was cleared to return to the ICU. It was on the ride up to the room that Jay's eyes fluttered open for the first time. He didn't fight the vent or move anything. One moment he was out and the next second the eyelids decided to move. His eyes were watering from the artificial tears they'd dropped in during the surgery and Will carefully brushed them away. The blue eyes were fatigued and medicated, but managed to make contact with Will's excited face.

"Hey, you did great. Just go back to sleep." It was like speaking to a computer. Will finished talking and Jay was very much out. He knew Jay wouldn't remember any of it, but Will counted it towards something. He assisted the nurses with arranging things in Jay's room before plopping down onto his own bed. The events of the day finally caught up to him. That night, both brothers slept soundly and totally through the night.

…

It was around ten the following morning when Will received the nudging from the nurse. He detected a voice but was too worn out to really listen. A light slap finally got him to roll over.

"Will, he's awake and he gagged." Will proceeded to thrust himself upright.

"Really?!" The nurse eagerly nodded, smiling while doing so. In this instance, gagging was a fantastic sign. Gagging meant he was breathing on his own, a big step in the early recovery process. The disheveled, yawning figure wobbly rose from the bed and schlepped itself to the hospital bed. The eyes were still medicated and watering, but they were a little more coherent this time. Jay glanced all around the room before stopping on Will. You could tell he was confused and a little scared.

"Hey, can you hear me?" Jay got a nod in before gagging on the tube again. Will unplugged the hose from Jay's breathing tube, helping Jay breathe by himself.

"Ok, I can't take this out but Rhodes is coming. Hey, follow my breathing. Inhale…exhale…inhale…exhale." It took a couple more sets, but Jay eventually got the hang of it. He winced with every exhale and Will got the message.

"Is it bad? Do you need another dose?" Jay nodded. Conner arrived as the nurse unscrewed the syringe from Jay's IV. Jay kept his vision on Will as Rhodes deflated the balloon at the end of the tube and waited for a couple more breaths.

"This is going to be uncomfortable. Please don't puke on me." Jay half smiled as he rolled his eyes. He waited for Jay to start coughing before beginning the tube's ascent. He did gag to the point of almost throwing up, Rhodes instinctively placing a hand in front of Jay's mouth. Jay mouthed 'hello' as a cannula was put under his nose. Will grabbed a tissue and wiped the spit that had formed around Jay's mouth.

"Keep that on for another two days and then you're free of oxygen tanks. Exciting, right?!" The exhaustion reduced Jay's response to a single thumb up from an immobile hand.

"Nice to see you awake again. I'll come check on you guys later on." Will mouthed a 'thank you' as the surgeon walked out, receiving a quick nod in return. Getting the tube out was unofficially the final hurdle of the surgery. No longer was he a body connected to machines. Well, he still was surviving off a lot of things, but at least he could now add some personality to the situation. Jay, the person and soul, was finally back in the world and it was awesome.

"Remember, no talking for a bit. Do you want an ice cube for the throat?" Jay nodded, Will was elated over his obedience. He picked up a single cube and dropped it on the tip of Jay's tongue. Jay forwent melting and just chewed on the thing. It had honestly been weeks since he chewed anything and hoped he hadn't forgotten how to do that. He pointed to the ice cup again and Will indulged him.

"You're really not supposed to be having this," Will announced after the fifth one.

"I'm starving," the rough, quiet voice responded.

"Well, we can give you another nutrient pack through the feeding tube, but that's about it." Jay tried to shrug, the pain of the act stopping him.

"So, it's over. Everything went really well. You'll be on anti-rejection meds for the rest of time, but it looks like you're going to be ok. I don't why you wouldn't make a full recovery and get back to your swing of things."

"When can I leave?" Ah, there it was. It only took Jay three weeks to ask that one.

"It'll be at least a week, probably more like ten days if everything goes well. And before you ask, everyone was here last night. You can see them in a couple of days. You're in infection protocol till you get a few doses of antibiotics in." Jay's attempt at hiding his disappointment failed epically. Jay was not the type of person that enjoyed being cooped up and alone for a long period of time. Will knew he'd go stir crazy after awhile, but it's what was best for him right now. A solution popped into his head.

"What about FaceTime?" A small yawn was all he got.

"After you sleep." Jay nodded as his body went limp. Will gave everyone the heads up before heading to the bathroom. It would take his full effort to erase his zombie-like look.

…

They crammed all six of them into the frame of Voight's phone, readying themselves for the return of their fallen comrade. The FaceTime ring tone went off and Voight pressed the green circle button. The screen was blurry and read connecting…connecting…connecting and then, the other side came through. What greeted them on the other side was not the cinematic masterpiece they envisioned. The first sight they got was the print end of Will's thumb and arguing in the background. Their smiles became laughs as they listened to the Halsteads lovingly bicker.

"Will, just put it in my hand I'll figure it out," a pain-filled voice whispered.

"No, I've got it. Just chill and give me a second."

"Ah, sibling love," Adam proclaimed as they all giggled. They weren't sure if the other end knew they were connected, but they didn't bother alerting them. This was comedic gold and needed to be used someday. The picture on the other end changed from a thumb to the drop tile ceiling. Apparently Jay won the technology battle.

"See this?! You hit it to add another call." Despite being hours off of a major surgery, and the numerous physical and mental altering drugs running through his body, it was fitting that Jay could still piece together a group FaceTime call in seconds. While still staring at the ceiling, you could here the passing of the phone from Jay to Will before getting a fabulous shot up Will's nose as he set the phone on the food tray. A few adjustments later, a drained, dazed looking Jay Halstead came into view.

"HI!" Jay took in the smiling faces that were connecting with him across the globe, literally. Intelligence was coming in from Chicago, Erin was in New York City, and Mouse was somewhere in the Middle East. Apparently his location was very much above their pay grade. Nevertheless, Jay was touched that everyone took a few moments out of their days to talk to his injured ass. It wasn't the circumstance they envisioned being reunited for, but it was awesome to see the gang—old and new—back together again…via iPhones.

"Hey guys," Jay replied as he attempted to pull the tube out from under his nose. Will's hands swooped into the corner of the screen, threatening life and limb if Jay took it off. Jay blushed as laughs rang out from the three viewing parties.

"What's life like out there?" Erin went into a quick summary over a case she was currently leading, Jay focusing more on her then what she was saying. While their relationship was over, he just missed her. He missed their snide remarks, her ability to push his buttons just enough to annoy him, her raspy laugh and dimples. She had this light about her that made the toughest job in the world manageable. He was proud of her and what all she'd accomplished since moving to New York. But, they'd always have Chicago.

Very true to his character, Mouse was skim on the details. He threw out some military lingo and Jay followed right along. Clearly, the coded message was scripted for only Jay to understand. The Chicago team was puzzled throughout the entire thing. Voight waited till Mouse was through to speak up.

"What about you?"

"Me," Jay jokingly asked?! Erin rolled her eyes while the rest chuckled.

"Um, I'm alive, so there's that."

"You look good, man. Really surprised you're this alert so soon after surgery."

"Oh trust me, if given the chance I'd be out in a second."

"So how are you feeling?"

"I mean, it's kinda hard to tell with all the stuff I'm currently on, but it's not as bad as I thought it would be. I mean, it hurts to move anything and breathe but the pain meds are helping for now. Will, can I at least pull the feeding tube out? It's making my nose itch." A strong, 'no,' came from somewhere in the room.

"Do you feel any different?" Jay paused for a moment on that one.

"Um, you know what, I don't know. I haven't really been conscious long enough to really think about it. It's weird looking back at what all happened yesterday, but it's nice to not be dying anymore. Well, for the time being at least." Jay let out a dry, harsh cough, making Will enter the picture for a moment.

"Do you want more ice," he asked? Jay nodded as he closed his eyes, breathing through the shooting pain in his chest. They all watched with sympathy. It was different seeing Jay in this state. They were so accustomed to him in macho G.I. Joe mode that the person in front of them was almost unrecognizable. He was pale, thin, and willingly taking help; a one eighty of their Jay Halstead. Will had warned them ahead of time Jay would look and act different when they saw him, but witnessing him now, they truly understood the message. Jay was hurting on many different levels. He'd been through a lot the last several weeks to help counteract his year long problems. He had a brush with death and had to part ways with a vital piece of him,. It's hard for someone to not change after all that. While Jay would eventually return to his old self—for the most part—things were going to be different from here on out. It was going to take time and adjusting on everyone's part.

They talked for awhile longer as Jay chewed on ice cubes, listening and nodding more than speaking. His lacking in strength was poking through and he was fighting tiredness with every passing minute. He was amazed at how much rest was needed for the human body to recover. It felt like he slept for days on end and still wasn't strong enough to remain awake for more than a few hours. Will told him this would likely happen, but actually living through it was nearing unbearable for him. It was amazing what the human body could do, but the effort needed for it to function was even more fascinating.

"Jay, you're tired" Hailey commented. Jay didn't realize he'd closed his eyes. He opened them wide and shook his head.

"No, I'm fine, just a little groggy that's all." None of them were buying it.

"Get some rest, kid." They waved farewell as Jay held his wrist up and did the same. He didn't want this to end. Once the call ended, things would go back to reality. Their little reunion would be over and who knew when they'd get to do something like this again. He missed these people. More importantly, he missed life that was happening outside his window.

"Bye guys. I'll see you soon." Will ended the call as Jay closed his eyes again, knowing the only way out of here was letting the doctors, nurses, and medication do their thing. It wasn't like him to be this submissive and it was an odd feeling. Perhaps the new heart was bringing out hidden features of himself.

 **This might have been my favorite chapter to write, ever. We are seeing the essence of life and friendship and family and there's nothing better than that. Things are finally looking up and we're approaching the lighter moments of this story. Thank you for sticking with me.**


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5- Funny How Time Goes By

 **This is going to be a bridge chapter if you will. We've seen Jay get through act 1 and now we're setting the stage for act 2. Let's get into this together.**

He walked into the room perplexed, a little shocked, maybe even numb. He didn't notice that Jay had managed to get himself out of bed for the first time since the surgery nor did he see the pile of IV lines and cords on the bed. Jay walked out of the bathroom and rested against the doorway, clutching his chest before noticing his zombie brother.

"What?" Will checked back in with reality, looking up at Jay standing there with a worried face.

"What?!"

"Ok, I'm going to stop the one word game. What's wrong with you?"

"I just got a call from…wait, how did you get…there," he inquired, now connecting the dots.

"I wanted to brush my teeth. Cannot remember the last time I did that." Upon further inspection, Will noticed the drainage tubes and wires poking out from Jay's shirt and the oxygen was miraculously missing. The half removed tape on his face told the tale of Jay attempting to remove the feeding tube. It appeared he just yanked things off till he was free enough to move. Jay was going to be the death of him at some point.

"How did you get up?!"

"I mastered the art of bending at the knees. But, something really hurts so I think I might have snapped something." Will escorted Jay to the chair before inspecting the incision site. Unlike the previous open heart procedure, Jay looked down this time.

"Is it all supposed to look like that," Jay asked as Will pulled away the dressings, revealing a bloody, bruised, slightly swollen sternum line.

"Um, pretty much. Everyone heals differently but this looks to be ok." Will carefully ran his fingers down the incision site, feeling for snapped wiring around the sternum. Things weren't uniformly wrapped anymore, but nothing felt broken. He then moved to the stapling of the skin, finding the culprit of Jay's pain.

"You didn't break any of the wiring but you did disrupt its' alignment and you snapped two staples right here. This is why we ask for help instead of doing it on our own." He looked up at an unfazed Jay.

"Ok, so what does that all mean."

"I can stitch where the missing staples are but you cannot be moving around too much. Remember what I said about misaligning all this?!"

"Yes, mother. I got it. I'll yell for your assistance next time." Will went to grab a suturing kit as Jay sat back in the chair. The act of resting against a hard surface hurt, but it felt good to be in a different spot today.

"The lidocaine will sting for a second before going numb." Jay dramatically screamed as Will inserted the syringe, earning him a glare. Jay laughed before wincing in pain. Ah, sweet victory. Will got a stitch in before Jay inquired again.

"So, are you going to tell me what scared you senseless?" Will cocked his head before answering.

"Janice and Eugene want to come see you."

"What?! How did they…no."

"Jay, they're your grandparents. They should be informed of big stuff like this."

"They didn't show up when you told them about Dad. Their only son! Ouch, that actually hurt." Will loaded another dose of lidocaine before continuing.

"Jay, it's only going to be for a few minutes. An hour, tops. This is a big thing that happened to their grandson. Don't forget, I have to go through this as well. Perhaps all of this has forced them to have a change of heart about us."

"Oh my word, your sense of humor is terrible," Jay replied as he rolled his eyes. Will laughed.

"It was there and I took it."

"Yeah, no. Don't say that ever again." Will set the needle down and applied clean bandages to the large incision.

"Do you want to stay here?" Jay nodded.

"Ok, let's get some pillows and plug you back into everything."

"Change of heart," Jay muttered under his breath, making Will smirk. The two of them spent the next few hours watching TV, distracting themselves from the incoming storm.

"When will they be here?"

"She said sometime tonight. Just relax, man. You don't need to have a heart attack over this." Jay exhaled while simultaneously groaning.

"Fabulous."

…

The final drainage tube was removed when they knocked on the door. Jay hated the whole thing and rightfully so. A long plastic tube was being rubbed against sensitive organs and bones, leaving small holes in their place. Even on local anesthetics, the pulling movement made him shake with discomfort. It was the longest twenty minutes of his entire hospital stay. He didn't care that he ended up with more sutures, gauze, and tape on his body, whatever it took to make it all stop. They couldn't see their grandson through the doctors and nurses surrounding the bed, but spotted Will giving them the one minute finger. There were lights hovering over the bed and instruments being handed off and placed on a tray. They noticed the blood stained tubes clumped together and got a little uneasy. Will only told them what all had happened, but seeing some of the pieces that played a role in it all drove reality home. They stepped away from the door as the medical team filed out. Will smiled before getting up to usher them into the room.

"Hey guys, thanks for coming. You guys are the first visitors post-surgery." Will was in full doctor mode at this point. He cleared bags and clothes off of the couch and encouraged them to sit.

"Why hasn't anyone else come by? Doesn't he have any friends or colleagues?"

"Absolutely. It's just that he's been in an infection protocol for a few days and it finally got lifted today. The rest of them are planning to come by tomorrow." They didn't respond because they were too consumed with what all was happening around Jay's bed. Rhodes was undoing the tape on Jay's face preparing to take the feeding tube out. Jay didn't acknowledge his visitors at this point, still recovering from the agony of the last few minutes.

"This is probably going to make you sneeze. I'm sorry about the pain that'll cause." Jay just nodded, ready for the thing to finally leave. Unlike the other removals, this one didn't hurt on the way out. They all watched as the eternal tube snaked out and eventually landed in Jay's lap. Conner pressed the tube side of Jay's nose closed and massaged for a moment, hoping to alleviate the sneeze. Alas, it didn't work.

"Oh, that hurt," Jay admitted.

"I'm sorry. How are you feeling? Do you need anymore pain meds?"

"No, It's manageable. How about some food?"

"Give it a couple more hours. Let's let everything settle down for a bit. Good job, man." Rhodes turned around to see the shocked faces on the couch.

"Hi, you guys must be the grandparents. I'm Conner Rhodes, I'm the one that performed Jay's surgeries." He extended his hand and they gladly obliged, mesmerized by his striking countenance and self-assuredness.

"Thank you so much for your dedication to Jay's care. We all do appreciate it."

"Of course, you are more than welcome. I have to head out, but it was a pleasure meeting you two." He bid farewell to everyone and sauntered out of the room, leaving the world's most uncomfortable reunion to commence.

Growing up, the Halstead brothers and their paternal grandparents just never really connected. When asked, they'd say they had relatives in Ohio rather than family. Family meant people who actually loved and cared about you. Family shows an interest in your interests. Instead, these grandparents were very much set in their ways and beliefs and were always up for an argument. Visiting this set of grandparents was always an obligation rather than a desire. Visits would often include vicious debates with their parents and over-analyzing of their every move. They expected boys to be raised in an environment that respected and copied the past. They believed the code of ethics and culture in the 1940s and 19050s was the only way that people ought to live. Anything swaying from that was a sign of children out of touch with the proper values; falling for the lies and deceits of the world. Furthermore, they pushed for Will and Jay to be raised with English royalty-like manners. If they didn't know which side of the table a knife went on, or forgot to place a napkin on their lap, they were scolded for their lazy behavior.

The elder Halstead couple was rude, unfiltered, and had a weird way of showing their affection. Most of the curse words Will and Jay knew were learned from the fun times with these grandparents. Their life story was a tale of unwise decision making. Both had a dark, troubled past and somehow loved the other one enough to get married. Will and Jay can't recall a time when they showed passion for the other. They threatened to leave but never went through with it. But what's really off-putting about this couple was their inability to see their role in the outcome of their life story. Everything wrong was at the hand of someone or something else. They were perfect and that was it. To swallow their problems, they lived in a fantasy world. Lying was all they knew. When tough subjects were brought up, they'd intentionally change the subject or create these ridiculous stories that everyone else knew weren't true. This was a touchy subject between Jay and his father and a big reason for their disconnect. Jay never understood why they kept going back to see them. These people had never changed and showed no signs of wanting to work on themselves. It was like volunteering to be tortured. Visiting them meant getting pushed to the absolute limit, receiving verbal abuse along the way. The counter to his beliefs was that they were family and you couldn't cut them out. Jay never felt them to be family, only people related to them by default of them sharing the same last name.

The last time Jay saw his grandparents in person was the night before he got deployed. They all met at a restaurant in Chicago for a sendoff dinner. What he hoped for was lasting, positive memories but instead, walked into an intervention of sorts. They continually inquired into his motive behind enlisting and informed him of how different he'd be when and if he ever got out. They brought articles with facts and statistics pertaining to the likelihood for PTSD and other disabling side effects of war. Jay was asked why he didn't want to be more like his aspiring medical degree brother and choose a more lucrative and fulfilling career. The dinner was brought to a halt when Jay stormed out of the building and headed home. Had they been in a more private place, he'd have chewed them out into another universe. But for some reason, he bit his tongue in order to keep the reputation of his family in tact. Despite their problems, he wanted to maintain the facade that they were a happy, loving family. It killed him when he came home and turned out how they expected. For the first time, they were right about him and he hated it. The desire to prove them wrong was the reason he finally got things turned around and chose to be a cop. He'd have a fulfilling career making an impact on the streets of Chicago.

All this flashed in Jay's mind as he took in the couple sitting on the couch in front of him. Time had helped heal the emotional wounds, but the sting was still there. He didn't understand why they decided to show up, but put on a happy face for Will. He was reserved during this time, hesitantly waiting for the blow up that was sure to come.

"Thanks for coming, guys. I imagine the drive was long and I appreciate you making it out here." Janice adjusted in her seat.

"Of course, sweetheart. You're our grandson and we want to be here for you."

"How's the new ticker doing," Eugene gruffly asked? Will shot Jay a look.

"Um, it's doing well. It feels a little weird right now but it'll get better soon."

"You guys see the thin black wires coming out from his shirt? Those are pacing wires that are helping his heart beat regularly."

"He already have a problem with it," Janice interrupted?

"No, it's very normal after a heart transplant. When you're on bypass, the machines keeping you alive beat at one rate and it's hard to match that with a new heart. So when they take you off the machine, you get this uneven pumping for a bit and the wires help pace the heart to a normal rate."

"But how do they work?"

"The wires send small electrical shocks to the heart when things get uneven. They hurt a little when that happens and that's one of the reasons why he's on pain medication." They were enamored with Will's thorough explanation and exaggerated their facial reactions. Jay was not surprised by this.

"That's Will for ya," he commented.

"Isn't it great to have a brother that knows so much?" Jay glanced at Will who, wore an apologetic face, as Jay replied.

"Yeah, he's been huge in all this and I appreciate his help."

"So Jay, why did you need all this? We don't have a history of heart disease in the family and you're young to be having these problems." Will cut in as Jay pursed his lips.

"Eugene…grandpa…we don't have to discuss this.."

"-Because I did drugs for a year," Jay confessed. Three heads rotated towards him, jaws dropping to the floor.

"Excuse me?!" Will shook his head, telling Jay to abandon the topic.

"I went undercover a year ago and picked up the habit. I tried to get off of them but was too addicted to let go of them. I got in a car accident about a month ago and finally did detox. The rest is history." The entire time, Jay was telling himself to stop speaking. It was an out of body experience hearing himself verbally tell strangers what the last month of his life looked like. The only thing that made him keep going was the truth. He wanted them to see what telling the truth sounded like, hoping for them to return the favor. He nodded as they stared in shock for another moment.

"Oh honey, I'm so sorry. I can imagine that was hard." It was Jay's turn to have his jaw drop to the floor.

"Jay, one of the reasons we came here was to apologize for that night before you left. We were disappointed in your decision for so long that we ignored you and that was wrong on our part. You had every right to be mad at us and we know you didn't want to speak to us. Your Dad used to keep us updated with how you were doing at work and we're proud of what you've accomplished. But when Will called and told us about your surgery, we knew we had to make things right. We know things will never be normal, but we'd like to at least talk to you every now and then? Maybe visit when it's ok?" Jay felt the tears coming but swallowed them. He was convinced this was some weird dream. Will on the other hand was balling, tears freely pouring down his face. His change of heart joke proved to be accurate.

"Yeah, we can try that. That'd be nice." Janice got up from her spot and moved to stand next to Jay's bed, holding her hands out for a hug.

"I can't move my arms," Jay joked.

"It's ok," she replied as she carefully embraced her long lost grandson. The sequence of events was a little grand, but worth it if they all happened for this moment. Jay couldn't figure out if it was genuine or guilt driven. Regardless, this was so out of character for them and he was truly touched.

…

It was becoming a bit of a theme for visitors to show up while Jay was getting things removed. Today, it was the pacing wires that were finally getting kicked to the curb. Jay still had the arrhythmias but they'd improved enough to be treated with mediation. From there, it would be a few more weeks till the heart rate returned to a normal status. Intelligence and Jay perfectly timed their arrival so that both groups hit the door at the same time. The removal of the wires required general anesthesia and a cath lab visit so Jay was pretty loopy and dazed. He mainly listened to the conversations and would occasionally blurt out a word or two. He hated that the first in-person reunion with everyone after the transplant he was near incoherent but it was what it was. He must've fallen asleep at some point because Will tapped on his shoulders a couple of times, asking if things were ok.

"Yeah, I'm good. I'm just really tired." Will nodded and smirked, letting his brother drift off again.

"You look good, Jay. Like, I think this is the best you've looked in a month," someone commented.

"Thanks, guys. Sorry, I'm being rude and sleeping while you guys are here." Jay rubbed his eyes hoping to wake himself up.

"Hey, it's fine. We know you can't help it." Dr. Charles knocked on the door and Will waved him in.

"Is this a bad time?"

"No, it's perfect. Jay, are you up for talking for a couple of minutes?" Jay nodded as he yawned. The team got the hint and bid farewell, Voight hung back saying he'd catch up with them. Jay figured out what was coming next. In the whirlwind of the last month, they'd pushed part two of his recovery to the side, focusing on keeping him alive before dealing with the cause of it all. Now with Jay in the clear, the second shoe was about to drop.

"We'd like to discuss next steps. As part of your agreement with UNOS, you're required to be in a rehab program in about five weeks. That gives you enough time to recover at home and get medically cleared to travel. We found a program in Atlanta that is highly recommended and specializes in helping cops overcome drug abuse. They have a spot for you at the end of next month and with your permission, I'd like to get your paperwork done and get that part of things worked out." The regret of everything came flooding back as Dr. Charles spoke. They were all consumed with Jay's immediate health that he, in a way, overlooked the other part of this. But with the effect now under control, the cause was screaming in his head. The guilt was all over is face.

"Jay, there's no shame in entering rehab. It's all part of the process. No one will look or think of you differently. You made a mistake and now you're working on making things right. It's all apart of life and honestly, people will respect you more for doing the right thing." Will nodded at Jay, concurring with Dr. Charles.

"Ok, do I need to sign anything? I've heard Atlanta is nice this time of year. Not as cold I'm told." That earned him a collective smirk.

"Great! I'll get the paperwork ready for you to sign before you leave."

"Also, you're required to be under supervision between now and when you enter rehab. No more going solo for a bit." The thought of being babysat really ticked him off, but it's the way things had to be. Gosh, the next month was going to suck.

"You'll stay with me for a couple of weeks and then we'll move you back to your place and we'll get people to come hang out with you," Will explained. Jay nodded through the disapproving thoughts. Voight stood up to take the stage.

"So when you do come back, you'll be on desk duty till I decide when you've earned a spot back. While we all understand how this happened, you decided to hide this. You've now gotta earn our trust back." It was a little harsh, but got the message across. Jay didn't even think about protesting. There wasn't a chance of swaying Voight.

"I understand. I was prepared to not even be allowed back so I'm really grateful for this. Even if I have to go back down to patrol for a little bit, I'm fine with that." Voight laughed as he looked down at the floor.

"We'll see how it all goes. Just focus on getting healthy." Soon it was just Will and Jay alone in the room. Jay's quietness was assumed to be from the drugs but Will noticed him drifting in and out of day dreams.

"You ok?….Jay…."

"Um, I don't know. I keep going back if I hadn't chosen to do all this…"

"Why worry about things that are already in the past? Kicking yourself won't make things better. Change is never easy and welcomed. You're going to be fine. Just take it a step at a time, a day at a time."

"Yeah, I'm pretty tired so I'm gunna sleep for a bit." It was his way of getting out of the conversation. Will would never understand Jay's inability to be forgiving of himself. Even when they were kids, he'd find Jay moping around the house for the littlest things. He knew Jay would eventually accept it all. It would just take an extra long time for him to reach that point. A very Jay thing to do.

…

The sleep from the night before didn't lighten the mood in the room. Even knowing he'd be released into the world tomorrow, Jay was shrinking back to his drug influenced ways, very quiet and spaced out and barely spoke. Will wanted to shake his brother and talk some sense into him, desperately wanting him to see how far he'd come since that day one month ago. Then it dawned on him, it had been a month. Thirty days since Jay entered the hospital and thirty days since the last time Jay relied on drugs to exist. This was a massive step towards the greater goal and it was impossible to not be excited over that. Will told Jay of this grand milestone and Jay just shrugged it off, barely upping his excitement.

"Yeah, it's been thirty days, but I've been here the whole time. I've been under supervision the entire time and nowhere close to those kinds of drugs. What's going to happen over the next thirty days, six months, or ten years when I'm out there with no one to stop me." Now they were getting somewhere. Will had a million different points but a hard time organizing them all. He came back to the theme of them all.

"Unlike the last year, you have people who are more than willing to help you. Plus, you're going to get help with the mental aspect of all this. Eventually, you'll be able resist the urge of the temptation."

"I haven't ever stopped thinking about them, even after detox. I actually miss being on those varying highs. When things were really painful, that's where my mind went to. Yeah, I haven't used physically for a month, but mentally it's a whole other story." Will tried to hide his shock of Jay's confession. It wasn't uncommon for this to happen to recovering drug users. Even years after they get clean, it can be the on the forefront of people's mind. It's what these drugs do best: get into every cranny of one's life. But to hear Jay easily admit that was unsettling. It sunk in the truth that he wasn't really recovered from that part of it all…for now.

"Jay, no one expects you, or anyone for that matter, to be cured in a day. It's a process and one that takes a long time to figure out. You don't go from relying on the drugs to suddenly abhorring them. You'll get there some day. Thus the reason for the lengthy rehab stay and the supervision this upcoming month. We're not punishing you or hindering you from living, we're doing this out of love and care. You took the guardrails down so we're here to help put them back up and get you on the right side of them." Will watched as Jay nodded while looking around the room. Some of the bags were packed and the bathroom was partially cleaned out. It looked a little like the night before one checks out of a hotel room. The crap is kind of packed but still somehow everywhere.

"I still don't believe this all actually happened," Jay finally admitted, a little bit of a smirk on his face.

"Yeah, it's been kind of intense. Thank you for still being here after everything."

"Don't thank me, thank the person in Indianapolis. I just accepted what they were offering."

"Look at you being all philosophical." Jay laughed, a smile finally forming on his face. In that second, Will knew all this was worth it. Every procedure and painful awakening led to this moment of clarity and reflection. It was a blip on the timeline of life, but one they'd both look back on as a point of reunion. Jay had survived the calamity of the storm and was ready to repair the damage. Through it all, he'd come to realize and accept the help and assistance of others. While it was him who got himself here, it would be a team that would help get Jay out of this chapter of his life. It began with Will, continued through a stranger in another town, and would soon grow to a group of people in a city he'd never visited. The thirty days went from desperation to excited. It was both the worst and best month of the Halstead brother's tales and they were extremely fortunate to have the other.

"Ok, let's assess the mess of this place and focus on getting released tomorrow" You didn't have to remind Jay twice about that one.

 **As the chapter title suggests, the point of this phase of the journey was to see how time has gone by and how it's helped heal and put things into perspective. I always wondered why we've never heard about any of the Halstead's grandparents so why not add them in now? I imagine one reason we've never heard of them is because of something bad in the past. Same thing with the time between Jay entering the hospital and him preparing to take that next step in his recovery. He's had time to really process things and see where he went awry and where he needs the improvement. I hope this sheds insight into how this was crafted and how it'll set up the next leg of the journey. Thank you for reading!**


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6- In a Time Lapse

 **The title of this one is the name of an album because the song is an instrumental. The song is called Experience and I highly recommend you listen as you read. I had it on repeat for this entire chapter and it brings something special to the experience (pun totally intended). This is going to be a snapshot chapter if you will. We're going to highlight moments in Jay's month long babysitting program before he heads to rehab. Let's get this started.**

Will dramatically turned the knob on the door and flung it open, extending an arm to usher Jay in.

"Welcome home!"

"To your home," Jay corrected.

"Don't ruin the moment and just walk in." Jay gingerly shuffled over the threshold and stood in the epicenter of the kitchen, living, and dining area, watching Will get squished in the doorway with all the bags.

"You need help," Jay asked as he started walking back to his packed in brother.

"No, I've got it. You can't pick anything up, remember?" Jay held his hands out in surrender, ignoring the twinge of pain that caused. He couldn't remember the last time he'd been at Will's place and had forgotten how big it all was. Perhaps he chose the wrong profession if a ER doctor could afford a place with a doorman, cleaning service, and a fully functioning kitchen. His place wasn't too shabby, but it wasn't all this. Jay spun around in his spot and looked up and down observing everything. Will budged himself through the doorway and plopped the bags in the living area, now heading to the kitchen.

"Hey, you want anything?" Jay shook his head as he watched Will gulp down half a bottle of water.

"Where do you want me?"

"Well, where do you want to stay tonight? If you're not ready to lay flat I could put you on the reclining chair or the couch and use a bunch of pillows."

"We can try the couch and go from there." Jay walked into the living room and carefully sat himself down on a chair. The art of leaving a hospital and traveling home was more of a challenge than he anticipated. Their exit was a little under the radar partly because a large trauma had come in as the elevator doors opened, but mostly because Jay wasn't up for chatting. Granted, he was eternally grateful for everything the employees of the hospital did for him, but he couldn't force himself into talking. He was in one of those moods where he only wanted to hang with family and that was it. They said goodbye to the nurses on the ICU floor and briefly met with Dr. Charles and Rhodes a final time before departing, but slipped out afterwards. The option of a cab or the subway was presented and Jay opted for the train. Even if it meant walking a few blocks, he wanted to get back out in the city. He ignored the tiredness in his body and kept strolling. Will would pester him about his breathing and pain every crosswalk and he shooed him off. Will warned doing too much at once could hurt something but Jay didn't really care. The next month was all about resting and catching up, it wouldn't hurt doing a little exercise before all that.

Jay got interesting looks on the train as they made their way to the CVS closest to Will's apartment. He knew he looked frail and like he hadn't seen sunlight in a month, which were very much true, but it didn't bother him. He was doing a normal thing with real people and that's all he cared about. It was in the doldrums of winter by now and everyone wore that glum, just barely surviving face. Jay's smiling countenance stood out like a sore thumb and it seemed some people were a little annoyed. Will helped him stand as their stop was announced and they minded the gap as they reunited with solid ground. Jay found out stairs are unfriendly to recovering heart transplant recipients. It hurt to firmly place a foot on the step below and the act of descending hurt his sore, fragile chest. He took baby steps down the flight of steps while holding onto Will's arm, refusing to touch the germ infested railing. The fatigue began making itself known as the two of them stood in the pharmacy line. He alerted Will of it and got a nod. Will pointed to a seat and commanded him to sit till he got the medication. Will strolled over with his bulky bag some time later and offered the cab option again, Jay still refusing it. A slow twenty minute walk later, they arrived to the heavenly body called the elevator. Now, as Jay attempted to bring his leg close enough to undo his shoe lace, he understood why Will warned him of doing things too quickly. He was depleted and felt worse than when they left. The weight of all that had happened a week ago rushed back as he gave up on the shoes. There weren't a whole lot of life changes bigger than what he just went through. Mentally, he was ready to jump back in full throttle. The rest of him still needed some time to catch up.

"Here," Will spoke as he held out a cupped hand of pills and glass of water.

"I feel like crap," Jay confessed as he allowed Will to pull his shoes off.

"Ah, so the wise one was correct after all." Jay smirked, wanting to slap his brother if he had the gumption and ability.

"Those will help. It's codeine and an anti-coagulant and an antibiotic."

"What about the other drugs," Jay spoke through water and pills in his mouth.

"The anti-rejection meds you'll start taking in the morning. They gave you a twenty-four hour shot before you left. Don't forget you take the pills twice a day." Jay annoyingly nodded as he swallowed. The body's immune system is responsible for removing foreign things from the body. After a transplant, the body's natural reaction is to reject the organ that is not native to itself. Therefore, those that receive a transplant are required to be on anti-rejection medication for the rest of their lifetime in order to prevent rejection of the new organ. This act of keeping one's health important would be a new thing for Jay. Instead of pushing his body to the max, he would need to be attentive to it. This was going to be one of those big adjustments in his life.

"You're probably going to get nauseous if you take those and then don't eat. What do you want? I can make something or order take-out."

"You what I've been dying for for the last few weeks? Chinese take-out. I've missed short ribs and szechwan chicken so much this last month." Will smiled at his brother outpouring for food. It was fun getting to do this again.

"Well, I'm not sure your doctors would recommend it, but you do need the calories and it is your first night at home so, we'll let it slide." Jay's face perked up, finally getting something to go his way.

" _Little Wok_ is a couple of blocks away and I can go pick it up. Are you going to be ok to stay here by yourself for a few minutes?"

"Will, let's remember I'm an adult," Jay teased.

"Hey, let's not insult the purchaser of the food. I meant will you need help between now and when I get back." Jay shook his head as he adjusted in the chair, clearly uncomfortable sitting like that for too long.

"Here are the TV buttons if you'd like and your phone is on the counter I think. Do you want anything else other then the requested items?"

"I don't care. Just make sure to get those," Jay replied through a yawn. He listened as Will hastily walked out the door and locked it behind him. Jay grabbed the remote and flipped through the channels in a trance, not really sure what he was looking for. He finally settled on ESPN and watched colorful characters banter about minuscule things. They maybe got two points in before Jay's head slumped on his shoulder as he fell asleep.

Will arrived half an hour later with bags of food in hand. You'd have never guessed two people would be the only diners of this meal. He called for Jay a couple of times and got no response, scaring him half to death. He threw down the cartons and sped walked for the living room, very much prepared for the worst case situation. He rolled his eyes mainly at himself when he found Jay passed out with drool running down the corner of his mouth, kissing the shoulder of his shirt. He was in the process of wiping the spit off when Jay jolted awake, eyes wide open with alarm.

"Hey, it's fine. You want to eat?" Will helped Jay back into a comfortable sitting position before propping him up with pillows and throwing a blanket on him. He returned with the steamy plates of beauty moments later and the two of them enjoyed an evening of Netflix and high-sodium take out. This was one of those times when doctors allow whatever a patient requests. Mental healing was as important as the physical part of it all. For a few hours that night, the two of them could have period of normalcy. Tonight, it wasn't about tests or benchmarks or pain management. That part was over and now came the fun part of it all: keeping Jay entertained while simultaneously encouraging him to rest and stay put. So far, the Jay Halstead babysitting program was going splendidly.

…

The following morning saw the fruition of a long awaited activity. During his hospital stint, showering was limited due to assistance from Will and being cautious to not get any important stuff wet. Jay was never allowed to just sit and let the water do its' magical healing powers. He requested it but was always told to hold off, until today. Will was sound asleep when Jay woke up and he saw his opportunity. He wiggled his way out of the chair and snooped through the apartment to find the guest bathroom. After locking the door behind him, he finagled the shower handle and put it far into the red, disrobed as the water heated up. He looked down at the hospital tags still on his wrist. It was a collection of three: one from the first day he was admitted, one for his allergy to latex, and one from the transplant surgery. They were little reminders of the journey and he couldn't part with them yesterday. It was the marks of a changing person and how he'd progressed since that day. He also took in the remnants of black nail polish. Even after three surgeries and the numerous IVs and wires, there were little flecks of it left on his nails. It was crazy to see the melding of his last year right in front of him. His hands showed the handiwork of the damage while his wrist revealed the healing that had to take place. It was at this point he looked into the fogging mirror and took in the massive scar down his center and the several tiny ones surrounding it; all of them the result of his hand's inability to stop moving. Most would fade over time, but the big one was going to stick around. He took in the broken and yet healing body and was met with a single thought: how lucky he was to be here and how unworthy he felt to have been spared from his intended punishment. The next thought was how cold the room was. He broke his dark, self-centered thoughts and carefully climbed into the shower, slipping off the tags before heading in.

The freezing temperature of the bathroom was quickly masked by the steaming hot water running all over him. He sat himself directly under the shower head and closed his eyes, feeling the water run down his face and into the corners of his mouth. This is one of those little pleasures in life and he had every intention of not moving till the water went cold. After washing and conditioning his hair, he closed his eyes and breathed, running his fingers up and down the sternum incision. There was this gap between knowing what all happened that day and accepting what transpired. He knew and felt what went down those eight hours, but still couldn't believe he housed a heart that wasn't entirely his own. This one was birthed in a body that he had never met and briefly died before he brought it back to life. He didn't know this one's limits and all the breaking it had endured. When one analyzes the logistics of a heart transplant, it's kinda crazy and miraculous how it all works out. Jay wasn't stupid, but it's a lot of take in. He continued to breathe through his mouth as he held his hand on his chest, feeling the strong, slightly uneven heartbeat against his hand. It was foreign to him, but it felt good. He brought his knees to his head and closed his eyes, feeling the unfamiliar beat thump against his hand. It was strong, willing, and giving him a second chance. Though he felt he didn't deserve it, he was eternally grateful for the opportunity to see tomorrow. He mentally thanked the angel above for allowing their heart to live longer than them. This little moment was the much needed welcome home party. A knock interrupted the beautiful union moment.

"You ok in there, Jay" Will spoke through the crack between the door and frame?

"Yeah." Will didn't know how loaded of a question that was. Jay smiled as he worked himself into a standing position and climbed out of the shower. Jay wrapped a towel around his waist before heading out in search of clothing. He hesitated in front of the mirror for a second time, giving himself another scan. He was going to be ok, even if took longer than he wanted it to.

…

It was a week later when Will relinquished the reins for the first time. A long time patient of his had come into the ER and he had to slip away for awhile. Jay insisted he could manage himself on his own but Will wasn't having it. Knowingly violating the agreement wasn't going to happen on his watch. He called Voight who told Hailey to head over to Will's place to babysit. She was Jay's partner and the two clearly needed to have some one-on-one time to discuss things. Plus, she wasn't cleared for active duty yet and probably needed the company. It would be an episode of the hurt leading the hurt and it was bound to be exciting. She arrived a few minutes ago and Will was giving her the rundown of everything Jay needed and couldn't do yet. She nodded while trying to hide her laughs over Jay's embarrassment. His face was flaming red as he cupped it in his hands, telling Will to calm down and that he had it handled. Will stopped speaking when he handed Hailey a bag of medication and a lengthy handwritten note. He promised he'd be back soon before sprinting out the door. They waited till they head his footsteps disappear down the hall.

"So…" Hailey got in before laughing out loud. Jay groaned as he looked up at the ceiling.

"Welcome to the last week of my life. I swear if I watch one more episode of _The Great British Bake-Off_ I'm going to go insane."

"Oh stop, he's just being protective and caring. A lot of people would kill for a brother like that."

"True, but there's a line and I think he crossed it at some point this last week."

"So what do you want to do. I could cue up some _Top Chef_ if you'd like to keep up with that theme."

"How about we go somewhere. I've been stuck in this place for a week, only seeing the outdoors via the deck." Hailey hesitated for a moment and Jay picked up on it.

"It's fine. He'll blame me before he gets to you. C'mon, we'll be back before he gets here." He kneeled down to get his shoes as she ushered him to a chair to help him put them on. She threw a jacket on him before putting hers back on. She held the door handle for moment, looking at Jay with a worried expression.

"Are you sure this isn't too much for you? Remember, you have been through a lot and need to take things slow."

"I'm fine.."

"-I've heard that one before." Jay smirked as he cocked his head.

"Fine, we'll walk a couple of blocks and then come back. I promise to not complain." Satisfied with the plan, she turned the knob and held it open for Jay, the two injured people heading for the great outdoors.

The weatherman was spot on when he said it was going to be a bone chiller that day. Both Jay and Hailey were stopped in their tracks upon encountering the sharply crisp air for the first time. They now realized why the sidewalks were sparse but used that to their advantage. They were an interesting sight with one sporting a brace on the arm while the other had red marks on their face and visible chest and white gauze poking out the top of their shirt. Furthermore, Jay had mastered the old man step and shuffle. The cold air felt incredible swelling in his weak chest and he relished in feeling alive. He kept looking up and around at the buildings towering over them. It felt amazing to just walk around and exist. Today wasn't about sleeping and fighting but rather just about living; getting back into a normal routine. Recent days were becoming more about filling the time with worth while things rather than passing the time waiting for something else to occur. Jay's stored energy from the last month was fighting to break out and bolt, but he knew better. He'd up his walking pace before slowing back down to allow Hailey to catch up. He hated that he couldn't challenge his body to do more but was thankful for what it was allowing him to do. Hailey would question his wellness at every light and Jay shook his head, assuring her things were fine. They didn't talk much during this time, just allowing the sights and sounds of the city to entertain the void in their relationship. Sorting things out would come eventually. Today was just about being there physically for each other.

Their trip around the blocks ended when Jay announced he was tired. Hailey nodded in agreement and guided him back to Will's place. Jay made it to the couch before collapsing on the cushions and closing his eyes, breathing out loud.

"Hey, you ok," Hailey asked as she entered the living room.

"Yeah, my chest is just really sore. Heart feels like it's pounding out of my chest."

"You want anything?"

"Yeah, get the pain meds and arrhythmia stuff. It's the brown circle pills." Hailey went to claim the items as Jay unzipped his jacket, placing a hand on his moving chest.

"Here, sit up and swallow." Hailey massaged Jay's carotid after he ingested the pills and laid back down. They sat there for a couple of minutes till Jay sighed and coughed, indicating the episode was over.

"You might have pushed yourself a little too far, right?" Jay smirked as he looked up at the ceiling.

"Maybe. But have you have to admit it felt good, right?" More than anything, she wanted to kiss that smiling face, but it wasn't the right time. He was in no shape to be starting something like that nor did she want to add to his pile of things to sort out. They both had barriers to break through before they added love into the mix of things. Perhaps another time under better circumstances they'd give it a go. But for now, a friendship was what they settled for. Their eyes met for a moment and seemed to agree with her thoughts. It was all there in front of them, but they couldn't commit to that right now.

"I'm back," Will yelled as he entered the door. Hailey and Jay broke their little staring moment and she pushed away from the couch.

"Hey, how did it go," Will asked as he pointed at Jay's shoes.

"You went out?" Hailey jokingly pointed at Jay as he held his hands in surrender.

"I got bored and it was just a couple of blocks." Will rolled his eyes, delaying the argument. Hailey gathered the glass of water and pill bottles and set them back in their places. She waved farewell to the Halsteads before slipping out, offering to hang with Jay again if her services were needed. Will flopped down onto the chair next to the couch, glancing over at a now snoring Jay, laughing over the proven fact it wasn't in his brother to ever do things easy.

…

"You ready?"

"I'm pretty sure I live here so.."

"Yeah, but the last time you were here…" Jay didn't need to hear the rest of that one. It was two weeks since he'd been released from the hospital and he'd finally been given the go-ahead to move back into his place. Jay was thrilled to get some hint of freedom back but was also a little nervous. As Will pointed out, the last time he was on his own he'd allowed himself to go off the rails. He worried he'd act on his impulses now that he was back in that environment where it all went down. Nevertheless, he was ready to truly relax on his own space.

Will was scheduled to return to work this afternoon and would stay with Jay at night. Hailey volunteered to take the daytime shifts when Will wasn't on call. Over the last couple of weeks, Jay and Hailey fell into a routine of sightseeing or taking walks around the city. The activity served two purposes in that it allowed them to get into a rhythm again but also allowed them to start sorting things out. Aside from this month being Jay's time to recover at home, he also viewed it as an opportunity to put things in order mentally and ready himself for rehab. For awhile there, he didn't think of himself as someone who needed it. He was a cop who slipped up and knew he wasn't going to do it again. Hailey kept reminding him that the fact he still thought about taking drugs was reason enough to enter the program. Some days he hated when she showed up, knowing where their discussions were going. Over time, they'd both reached a point of understanding.

Another thing, Jay had healed enough to where he could carry light things again. The incisions had healed entirely and his sternum was nearly re-fused. He was elated to no longer have to rely on narcotics in order to function and the arrhythmias were just about cleared up. His latest check-up showed the new heart to be doing really well and the dosages of anti-rejection were spot on, no sign of rejection at all. The previous week really saw Jay turn a corner in his recovery. He was still tired more often then he'd like, but the naps were fewer and farther between. He felt less and less like a recovering patient and more like himself getting over an illness. He wasn't allowed to seriously exercise for a few more weeks, but was thrilled to be allowed to move around without too many restrictions. A side effect of all this was how hard it had become to keep him relaxing and resting. He felt better and was able to do a little more. You give Jay Halstead an inch, good luck keeping him from doing a mile.

Back to the front door, Will finally budged the door open and held the door for his brother. Jay picked up his bag and quickly walked through, ready to get over that threshold. It shouldn't feel weird entering your home, but that's exactly what Jay experienced. He looked around the place and only saw a life he no longer recognized. Everything was in the correct place, but something was off. Like the air felt weird and it had an odd smell. He opened cabinets and remembered stash places that were now empty. The clothes in the closet were wrinkled and musty from weeks of neglect. He sat on the couch and honestly forgot how to work everything. It was like living in a dream almost. The foundational parts of this place looked familiar, but everything else was off. He didn't fall back into a routine nor did he pick up on what that even was. The person who lived here was no more. He wasn't sure if he should get out or stick around and wait for him to return. In that moment, he almost wished he hadn't been allowed back here. It was bringing back all the wrong memories.

"This is weird," Jay finally confessed after doing a once over of the place.

"Yeah," Will agreed. It was almost like walking into a crime scene after the clean-up crew had come through. You knew something tragic happened here but the evidence was nowhere to be found.

"It'll come back. You'll feel at home soon."

"I don't think so. I think I need to move," Jay half joked. Will gave him a reassuring face.

"Give it time." Jay maneuvered to a stool at his counter and sat, slowly running his hands through his hair, gaze lost in his thoughts. He kept going back to those days right before the accident. He vividly recalls sitting in this very spot, preparing another dose before work one morning. It was all he pictured as he looked around the place. Too much dark and evil and heartbreak happened here for him to want to stick around. He wasn't up for a second chance in this place. He felt the tears coming but couldn't let them out. Something in him told him to get up and run and he greatly wanted to answer that command. In an instant, he gave up any aspirations of regained freedom and recovering at his home. This one had become temporary and its' time was up. And so, he got up, looked around at his surroundings a final time, and faced Will.

"Can I stay with you for a little bit? Till…I have to leave in a couple of weeks?" Will wasn't about to force Jay somewhere he didn't want to be.

"Definitely. Do you want to grab anything before we head back?" Jay replaced the clothes currently in his bag with ones from his closet. He stormed out of the apartment without looking back. It wasn't in him to have a proper farewell. He said goodbye to all of this the day he hit that subway pillar. Will offered him the key to lock the door and he gladly did it. He felt the click against his fingers and slowly walked away. It was the last time he ever stood outside this door.

…

Sitting at the far most tip of the Navy Pier looking back at the city is a sight to behold. Even in the freezing temperatures of winter, people ventured out to this point to get a good look at that shot of Chicago. From this point, you realize how small we all are in this world. The buildings tower in the background and seem to go on forever while the lake just expands into a massive blue chasm. You don't see cars or hear their horns. People are very much out of one's visual range. It's just you, the world, and a few passing boats. At this final stop of Chicago civilization, you feel like a very small ant looking up at the towers of Heaven. Today, Hailey and Jay were resting on a bench at this southernmost tip of the pier eating ice cream because it's the proper thing to do in frozen weather. It was a sendoff meeting of sorts because today marked the end of the babysitting program. Jay had received the approval needed to travel and he was heading out for Atlanta in the morning.

The last month had seen Jay really grow. He began the time off hating, dreading everything. He jokingly believed he was being held back with a twinge of resentment. While he wanted to complete everything in rapid succession, he eventually discovered things were designed at this pace for a reason. He used his time to rest and allow his body to heal. It was the least he could do after all it had done for him. Plus, he owed it to the original owner of his heart to take care of their prized possession. He accepts the daily regime that was now required and willingly did whatever was asked of him. He discovered what his limits were and vowed to not allow things to get that carried away again. But as we all know, he'll push to just below that threshold at some point. Furthermore, he finally accepted his worthiness in the story. The entire hospital stay he only saw himself as a mess up, like someone who deserved to suffer the consequences of his poorly made actions. It took an all-night discussion with Will to prove to him that mistakes are not the final say in someone story. Just like everyone else, Jay very much deserves an atonement narrative. His actions nearly cost him his life and took things away, but the second act of it all was that he could now freely and happily live. Jay now owns and accepts what transpired over that year and has become a little proud of what he's done to correct his ways. It'll require an apartment hunt when he gets back, but he's up for the tiresome and tedious task. For now, there's one little thing he wants solved before he leaves. Thus the final meet with Hailey at the pier.

"So, we've been doing this for a month now, right?"

"Yeah," Hailey answered, slightly puzzled?

"I think we've reached a point where we can be honest with each other."

"Ok?! What is up with you," she laughed.

"I've just been wondering how or why you aren't mad. Like, not even a little bit. If I found out that my partner hid something from me for a year, I'd be a little ticked at them for that." Hailey spooned her ice cream a couple of times, watching the utensil swirl in the still frozen cup. She looked up after a moment and kept her eyes fixed on the view in front of them.

"Honestly, I was mad when Voight first told me. I had just been released from the hospital and the whole time I kept wondering where you had been. The last I saw of you was at the scene and no one said anything. I was scared that you had died or something and they were shielding me and I eventually got into a yelling match, demanding someone inform what was going on. Yes, I was mad that you hid it, but that quickly transitioned into understanding. Let's face it, we're not the sharing of our feelings type." Jay smiled, nodding in agreement.

"I wish you had told me because I would've offered to help, but I get it. You have this indestructible persona and you thought you could handle it.."

"- I wouldn't.."

"-Oh no, you're not denying this one. It's so true." He smirked after that one.

"From that point on, it was just about being there for you. You had already been through a lot and still had big things to get past. Who am I to hold a grudge for something I totally do on a daily basis? You needed a friend and supporter and I was more than willing to be that. I still am. You may not have asked for help in the beginning, but you needed it then and I was happy to step into that role. And before you ask, I'm not sharing my stuff with you. This is not confession time." Jay turned away from his partner and became fascinated with something to the right of them. They sat there in silence for a few moments, allowing the continuous breeze to freeze them to their core.

"Thanks Hailey," Jay spoke after a time.

"You're kind of great."

"Oh chill with the cheesiness. I can't handle it." She playfully smacked him before they resumed eating.

"You ready for tomorrow," she asked between bites?

"Um, I guess. I just want to get it over with."

"You need to actually learn something there, remember?!"

"I will! It's just that I'm tired of waiting for it to happen." She nodded a couple of times before standing, turning to face him.

"I'm officially frozen. Can we head back?" He jumped to his feet.

"Oh my word, yes. I thought you'd never ask."

 **We love a good Upstead moment. Honestly, you could write a whole other story based on the month of Jay's babysitting. Perhaps that'll be another time. Back to this one, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. The whole premise of this one was to help Jay come to terms with his new way of life. There are limitations that were previously not there and things he had to let go. Furthermore, he needed to accept his need for rehab. While these were little snippets, I hope you saw that message get across. Thank you for reading!**


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7- In The Thrill Of It All

 _"_ _So what's the plan?" The balding, obese man turned away from his plate of food, jaw still chewing a giant bite of something. His three piece suit was bursting at the seams and smelled like garlic and sweat. The restaurant they were currently in was abandoned with the windows boarded up and dust mites everywhere. The only light source was coming from candles at the table and the single lightbulb in the kitchen. The only thing lacking in this scene was Italian opera music and a ring on the large man's finger to kiss. The ring leader smiled at Jay as he responded._

 _"_ _We're doing a domino buy. We're buying coke from the Kings and then using that to bargain for the Crime Lords heroine. What the shmucks won't see coming is that we're only giving away a portion of the coke. In the end, we'll come away with a good chunk of cash and a large shipment of drugs." Jay nodded as the man spoke, looking down at his appearance and feeling very out of place._

 _"_ _Seems risky. What happens if they figure it out?" The ring leader let out a big belly laugh._

 _"_ _Kid, do you think I got to where I am because of safe, tiny deals?! You've got smarts, but that's what'll stand in your way. Why don't you come with us tonight? See how it's done." Another small victory for Jay._

 _"_ _Yeah, sure. I'd like that."_

 _"_ _Be here at 9. Now get out of here and let me finish this." Jay calmly walked away as the large man happily chewed his food for the whole world to hear._

 _…_

 _Jay walked around the back of the restaurant and was met by a dark SUV with its' light off, the quiet lull of the engine letting him know it was started. He hesitated at the corner of the building, not sure if he should run or pursue the vehicle. The passenger window rolled halfway down and a single finger pointed at him, commanding him to get in. Jay confidently walked up and was met by two guards grabbing his arms and throwing him in the car, a blindfold being thrown over his head as he sat down. He began to squirm, preparing himself for an abduction when the drug lord spoke up._

 _"_ _Sorry kid, the location is top secret. You've not reached the 'need to know' status. Jay calmed down as the SUV was put into drive, channeling his energy into tracking the turns, stops, and speed of their journey. They arrived at their final destination some twenty-five minutes later. Jay's blindfold was removed after they dragged him to a spot and told him to stay put. He blinked a few times to find himself at the silos. Jay hid his familiarity of the place._

 _The meeting was very similar to that in a James Bond movie. Jay and the crew stood at the end of the line of buildings, the city behind them, and watched as fleets of black town cars slowly rolled in. Jay counted at least thirty guys on the seller's side. The lead car housed the dealer and he was the last to exit the car, waiting for a guard to rap on the windows, giving the all clear. Jay watched as his boss walked out to meet the seller in the middle of the space, a hand extended out of hospitality._

 _"_ _Thanks for meeting us at this hour."_

 _"_ _Let's make this quick, my kid's party ends in an hour and I have to make an appearance." Jay swallowed the anger growing in him. This guy's primary concern was making millions off ruining people's lives, his own child an afterthought._

 _"_ _Alright, we'll do it your way. Jay! Get the bags." Jay was startled for a moment before his legs kicked in. He rounded to the trunk of the SUV and collected the bags of money. He slowly walked to the meeting point and carefully set them down, stepping back to his perch. His boss held and hand up, telling him to stop._

 _"_ _Stay here." Jay cautiously walked back, a little uneasy about what was coming next. The seller smiled as he gazed into the bags of cash. Satisfied with his loot, he snapped his fingers, commanding someone to bring the goods. A dozen bags were plopped in the center of the swap and the boss reached in to pick up a white brick._

 _"_ _Pure cocaine. The best quality you can find this side of the border." The boss reached for a knife in his pocket and made a small incision, exposing a tiny amount of the evil white powder. Jay figured out what was coming next. He was the poison tester for the king. If he didn't die moments after ingesting the drug, then things were good. The knife was handed off to him, and found himself at the point of do-or-die. Take it and break the rules or refuse and blow everything up. The choice was clear. Jay took the knife and did the unapproved deed. Everything felt fine for a few seconds, and then the floating sensation kicked in. He could feel his pulse picking up and sensations heighten. It was an out of body experience and one that he instantly loved. He never felt so relaxed and calm in his life. He nodded as he wiped his nose, letting the group know things were a go._

 _"_ _Pleasure doing business with you." The two parties went their separate ways. The boss grabbed Jay's shoulders and shook him, muttering words of praise and encouragement. Jay didn't recall what he was saying because he was too consumed with the consequences of his actions screaming in his mind. An hour later, the same act played out with the heroine seller and Jay willingly took the shot. It was a brutal de ja vu moment and at the time, one he didn't want to repeat again. With both potent drugs in his system. He remembers saying something strange before passing out on the boss' back seat, blacking out as the group laughed at him._

Jay's eyes shot wide open as he quickly sat up in bed. He rubbed his eyes, somehow thinking that would erase the images and memories of that night. This wasn't the first time he dreamed that scene, but it was becoming more common the closer he got to rehab. He didn't tell Will about this because he didn't want to upset him. They'd strengthened their relationship over these last thirty days to a point where things were almost back to normal. While Jay wasn't allowed to do much on his own, they could talk about things freely, nothing too taboo between them. Well, at least Will thought everything was discussable. Jay didn't update Will on his increasing desire for a fix nor did he tell him of the final hiding spot in his closet and the retrieval the final day at his place. He threw the sheets off of him and sat on the edge of the bed, not really sure what to do next. He looked over at his drawer housing the thing he wanted more than anything. Mentally, he was telling himself to get up and walk while physically, he was staying put. It was like a little devil and angel were on his shoulder and were talking at the same time. Jay leaned over, resting his elbows on his knees and silently moaned, wishing there was something to silence it all.

He sat there for half an hour like this before getting up. He was halfway to the bedroom door before something stopped him. From that point, it was like his soul vanished and a computer took over. In a fluid-like motion, he flung the drawer open, took out the tiny white bag and packaged syringe and headed for the kitchen. He quietly placed the items on the counter and went searching for a spoon and lighter. He dumped the bags contents onto the spoon, ran the lighter under it till the powder turned to liquid. It was a quick load into the syringe before hovering the needle over the bend in his arm. His whole body was shaking by now so Jay briefly closed his eyes, hoping that would settle the nerves. But then, it appeared the soul returned and took over the controls. Everything from the last couple of months flashed in front of him, offering a reason to not cave. He ignored them by moved the needle closer, the tip just touching the skin. He felt his pulse strongly thump against the tip, reminding him of what was at stake. It was at this point he lost it.

The syringe slipped out from his grasp as he sobbed, cradling his head in his hands. He wanted to reach down and pick it up, but the weight of everything was holding him back. He had numerous people cheering him on, encouraging and pushing him to do the right thing. An innocent person had to die in order for him to live. His own brother had extended enough trust in him to allow him to pack his own things, hoping he had grown that much. Going through with this would be violating that sliver of freedom he was granted. But most importantly, he was becoming a stumbling block for himself. Despite everything, his desires were becoming stronger than his resistance. It hit him in that moment: he was physically improved but mentally still back at that day at the corner of Madison and Wabash.

After some time, Jay did pick up the syringe. However, instead of inserting it in his arm, he turned on the kitchen faucet and injected the clear liquids into the sink, watching the water run for a few minutes. The tears began to fall again, but for good reasons this time. There is nothing tougher than telling yourself no, denying your body of your biggest pleasure. That little voice whispers in your ear, 'what are you doing with your life?' You feel broken, like a failure, but in the long run, it was the moment when you decided to change. People can make you change, but true recovery begins when you decided enough is enough. This was truly the first time Jay denied these damaging drugs the victory and honestly, it felt good. He couldn't recall a time he felt this relieved and empowered. Once he was pleased with the flushing of the drugs, he tossed the syringe in the trash bin and headed for Will's room.

Snoring was echoing on the other side of the door as he knocked. His knuckles were shaking from the nerves and they came out a little rapid. After three rounds with no answer, he flung the door open and stood in the doorway, quietly yelling Will's name.

"Will…Will….WILL! Wake up." The exhausted body slowly rolled over, running a hand over his face before speaking.

"What?! What time is it?"

"Will, I….um…I need to tell you something." Will sat up as Jay spoke, clearly noticing the shake in his voice. He didn't respond but just stared; letting Jay have the floor.

"I found a stash of coke back at my place a week ago and brought it here and just about took it a few minutes ago." Will blinked a few times, trying to figure out if this was reality or a nightmare. The two of them stared at each other for a second, one scared and the other in disbelief.

"What do you mean 'just about took it?'"

"Like I melted and loaded it and had it against my arm." Will nodded.

"So what made you stop?" Jay was staring at the lines on the floor by now, fascinated with their spaces and distances.

"Everyone. You, the team, the hospital staff, the person who loaned me the heart…me." Will sleepily smiled before yawning.

"You can test me, I didn't take it."

"I believe you." Jay looked up from his spot on the floor.

"Really?!"

"Really. I'm proud of you. I can imagine saying no to something like that is really tough. So mad props to you." Jay quickly nodded, returning to the floor.

"Thanks Will. I guess I really do need rehab. I'm a lot worse off than I wanted to admit."

"But you took a big first step. Celebrate that. And in your bed, please. We have to leave in like six hours and I'd like to get some sleep between now and then." Jay reached over to grab the doorknob and quietly closed the door. On the way to his room, he couldn't help but smile at himself. This was the first time on this little journey that he truly felt the weight lift off his shoulders.

…

The following morning did not include a discussion of the events of the night. It was not filled with farewells and last looks. Will and Jay got up, got ready, grabbed their bags, and headed for the train that was en route to the airport. Jay was appreciative of Will's moving on attitude. It happened, it was talked about, and that was it. For both their sakes, each person tried to play the day off as any other day. Just the two of them headed out of town to drop Jay off at an extended vacation. Despite the hope, promise, and positivity rehab entailed, the act of actually following through was a little scary for both of them. It was the inertia of putting words into actions. Instead of just saying he'd 'go to rehab,' they day came for him to finally follow through with it all. Jay didn't speak very much that morning. He was too consumed with the voice in his mind spewing a million reasons why this was a bad idea. Of course, he realized this was his fear speaking, but the idea of backing out was tantalizing. This way of life was dying today and he hated change, especially of the drastic nature. For as long as he can remember, he was the steady person in a situation. If this past year showed him anything, it's that everyone has a weak spot and the ability to fall apart. Despite his nearly killing him, it was still hard to part with it. That's the funny thing about failing: we all eventually come to accept and dwell in our mistakes rather than finding ways to overcome them. Failing is easy, righting the wrong is hard. As they boarded the train, Jay was shaking with mixed emotions. Every fiber of his being was telling him to run back. It was the little voice of common sense reminding him to keep going, that things were only going to get easier from here.

Will's role in this early process of recovery was nearing its' end and strangers would take over. He was both elated and sad to reach this point in the journey. Through sheer determination and stubbornness, he was sitting on a subway train with his brother in the aftermath of everything. Ask him two months ago if he truly saw this moment in time transpiring, he'd admit he had doubts. Certainly in those first hours of Jay's hospital stay, it was easy to see where things could've gone drastically different. Jay could've refused helped; his heart was likely to give out during detox; and the stroke of grace from UNOS was the final piece of Jay's miraculous story. As he looked over at his composed and daydreaming brother, Will concluded that a force far greater than them propelled their lives to this moment. While the storm was rough, it didn't break them. In actuality, it only made them stronger. Jay discovered just how incredible his perseverance and fight was and Will got a front row seat to it all. As Jay fidgeted with his tangled earbuds, Will couldn't help but smile.

"I know you don't want me to say it.."

"-Then don't. I know what you're going to say. I appreciate it, but I can't hear it or think it. Otherwise, I'll start freaking out. But, thank you." Jay looked up from the ball of wiring and gave a quick smirk. Will turned to his left to watch the city grow smaller. He'd only be gone for a day, but he was going to miss this place. In a way, Chicago was their guardian angel that was there for them at the best and worst moments, making them hope for greater things. Leaving the familiarity and comforts of this stunning and magical place worried Will for some reason. The world outside those borders was unknown and Will wasn't sure what to hope for. And so he fixated his view at the towering buildings growing smaller by the second, silently thanking them for everything. He waited till the scenery changed to kick his mind back into gear, reminding himself that Jay was still going to need him before his role finally concluded.

…

People say that Hartfield-Jackson airport is the busiest airport in the world and it's a little hard to believe. The large, monumental cities of the world are second to the airport in Atlanta, Georgia; a bustling city in the southern United States. However, as Will and Jay walked off the runway and entered the terminal, it was easy to see how this place got its' title. They were greeted by hundreds of faces waiting to load onto the plane they just left. The walkways were jammed with people, carts, strollers, and yelling. The roller wheels of suitcases were a constant soundtrack against the clicking of shoe heels. Will and Jay wandered with the crowd to the 'plane train' and listened to the numerous terminals get called out before they reached their destination. The whole time, Will and Jay clung to their bags and sat enamored at how crowded this place was on a Thursday afternoon. The stop for public transportation was announced and they stood from their seats, pushing their way to the doors. The trip to the MARTA platform was quick and quiet. As they sat on the bench waiting, they took in the fresh air of this new place. For starters, it was much warmer than Chicago. They left home with temperatures in the 20s and got off the plane to a place in the 50s. The Halsteads smirked as people walked by in heavy coats and scarves, joking these people could never survive a truly freezing winter day back home. Will noticed Jay's demeanor had changed a little since they got off the plane. He went from looking nervous to ready. Whatever song he listened to or nap he had, it appeared to have helped significantly.

"You ready?!"

"Yeah." Will reached over to rest his hand in Jay's shoulder.

"It'll go by fast."

"Hope so." Their train finally arrived and they quickly loaded, shocked at how empty the thing was. The ride from the airport to the facility was a little welcoming tour of the city. Each stop showed a different element of the city with the wide swoop between West End and Garnett saving the best view for last. As they rounded the turn, it was hard to not gawk and smile. It was a wide angel shot of everything in the city limits of Atlanta. Mercedes-Benz Stadium dwarfed its' surroundings with its' beauty and size, making Phillips Arena look like a pea against it. While there aren't as many skyscrapers in Atlanta as there are in Chicago, this skyline was still stunning. Each building is unique from the rest and seemed to be smiling almost, happy to be ushering new people into its' realms. Traffic was in full swing below the train tracks and it was amazing to see how crowded this town had become. People talked about how quickly Atlanta is growing and its' ever present traffic woes validate that. Will looked over to a smiling Jay. No matter the city, he loved being where the people where; a city kid at heart. Three stops later, the final destination was called and they got up to leave. It was a maze of stairs and walkways but eventually, they reached level ground and were looking up at the Jay's home for the next couple of months.

It was a large, white building surrounded by a sea of sprawling green grass, a rare thing in the heart of a city. The architecture of the place made it look like an art exhibit. Everything was pristine and clean. There wasn't a smudge on the building nor was there a missing piece of anything. Will concluded the put-togetherness of the place was designed to comfort its' occupants. People felt safe in calming, clean environments and based on the exterior of this place, they were doing a fabulous job of achieving that. He guided Jay up the impressive walkway and opened the door for him, Jay hesitating for a moment before moving. Inside, things were quiet. The white theme continued inside with the walls and floor painted in the color. The numerous tinted glass walls offered natural light that wasn't too harsh against the starkness of everything. Other than soft music playing above, the place was like a library. Again, aids used to soothe and relax people. The Halsteads approached the receptionist desk and were greeted by a very happy women. They'd never really considered the appropriate emotion one ought to have when entering rehab and weren't too sure if her bubbly personality was the correct choice. Regardless, they went along with her overly cheeky disposition.

"Hi! Welcome to the Peachtree Rehabilitation Facility! How can I help you?"

"I'm here to check-in. I made a reservation…I guess..about a month ago. It's under Jay Halstead." It was still a little surreal verbalizing that. As she typed on the computer, Jay looked around again at everything, trying to hide his nerves.

"Ok! I have the paperwork right here and it looks like…yes, everything is in order and complete. There is a note here that you have medication you take daily. Do you have it with you right now?" Will fiddled through his backpack before handing it to Jay who plopped the large ziploc on the counter, making the receptionist's eyes go wide.

"Oh my."

"Heart transplant. Six weeks post-op," Jay replied.

"Oh, well congratulations."

"Thanks."

"So I take this now and we will get the doses and instructions in the system and them bring them to you each day at the necessary times. Here's the admission band for you to wear. It'll be a couple of moments before we take you back." Jay thanked the woman again before venturing to a seat in the waiting area. Looking at his soon fellow residents, he still didn't feel like he fit in. It was a game of scoping out the competition. Some of the people waiting looked like this wasn't their first rehab rodeo while others looked unsuspicious like him. There were people who resembled criminals he'd arrested and other who looked like corporate success stories. As he took in the room, he noticed the commonality in each of these people: the rehab band they all wore. This drove home the truth that no one was above the lure of toxic lifestyle habits. These crippling drugs didn't care if you were a repeat rehab visitor or a successful police detective. They wanted in your life and would try their darnedest to make your life into a rubble of destruction. And as he looked down at his own band on his wrist, he accepted the fact that he needed this and he deserved—no—was fortunate to be at this place at this moment in time. People cared enough about him to pull him out of harm's way and set him on a path to health and healing. The fear or disbelief attitude he walked in here with was his pride talking and he wanted to kick himself. They were all in this together and were all willing to fight, what more could one ask for.

Will noticed that any shred of readiness Jay had when they got off the plane had vanished into worry. He noticed Jay kept rubbing his hands on his pant legs and occasionally twitching his feet. He wanted to comfort him, but he wanted Jay to remember this time. He hoped the dread and uneasiness he was feeling now would provide motivation for him to truly embrace this level of change. He was proud of how far Jay had come and honestly couldn't wait to see what the next months had in store for him. He was aways off from walking back into the 21st precinct, but he was well on his way there. The waiting room door opened and a medical person called Jay's name. The passing of the baton had arrived. Will stood with his brother and walked with him to the door.

"This is where I leave you." Jay nodded, trying his best to hide his emotions.

"I'll be here when you're done. Sixty days, right?!" Jay responded with a big, strong hug. Will was startled for a split second but accepted it.

"Thank you," Jay said into Will's shoulder. They stood there for another couple of seconds before Jay stepped back, exhaling as he stepped into the other side of the doorway. Will watched through the glass door till Jay disappeared down the hall. For second time in two months, Will found himself at that chasm of dread and unpredictability. The waiting game had once again resumed.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8- Someone Take Me Home

 **You guys, this eighth chapter is a bit of a milestone for me. This chapter marks the longest story I've ever written. Furthermore, this is the final chapter of Even The Best. I'd like to thank all of you for sticking with me through this. I'm forever grateful for your feedback and enjoyment of this story. There was so much uneasiness when I first posted this story and I'm forever humbled by your response to this. Let's wrap this all up.**

Spring was in full bloom. The dogwood trees shed their white flowers and green leaves were sprouting. The semi-cold winter had finally dissipated and warm, humid temperatures took their place. There were remnants of the pollen season tucked in the corners of the sidewalks and gutters, little piles of yellow powder revealing the corners of Peachtree Street. Baseball season was days away and the city was bustling with Braves hats, shirts and foam tomahawks. Jay was elated to be getting out in time for Opening Day back home. As much as he missed home, he was going to miss this place. Atlanta has this growing buzz about it that you just have to reside in to get. It's a growing, multifaceted town nestled in a forest of trees and diverse suburbs. It's so laid back compared to Chicago and everyone here is super friendly. At first, Jay was suspect of everyone, wondering if they were trying to take advantage of him. Over time, he'd come to understand the art of southern hospitality. Everyone was genuinely happy here; must be the sweet tea.

His first weeks in rehab saw him stuck inside another room for a very long time. It was another detox of sorts. Aside from session with doctors and patients, it was him and his thoughts. He hadn't earned the privilege of freedom and was somewhat at peace with this. His temptations were still strong at that time and he didn't even trust himself yet to go out into the world on his own. He somewhat enjoyed the quietness and alone time because it allowed him to really think things over, take in the magnitude of everything that had transpired over the last year. Some people view this time as prison, Jay saw it as a vacation: a moment of things slowing down and reflection and recharging. He liked that alone time was between sessions because it put him back in a school setting. He listened and talked during class and then used his personal time to truly process the information, letting everything resonate.

Very out of character, he actually enjoyed talking things over with people. He figured he wasn't ever going to see these people again so there wasn't any harm in pouring his life story out to them. Verbalizing things really helped put things into perspective. Jay was able to clearly see where he let things consume him and get out of control. Plus, discussing things with strangers who were neutral parties was huge. It was reassuring to hear from people outside his circle. Through their perspective, they were able to show Jay where he did, or tried, to do things right and areas that he needed to work on. But perhaps the best part of these early weeks was his dwindling desire for these terrible fixes. Away from everything and disconnected from the world outside, Jay found himself beginning to resist those tempting thoughts. In a stable, unknown environment, it felt like the first time he could look up and around at everything. Watching the other patients healing right alongside of him, he got numerous real-life reminders of how quickly and tragically things can go sideways. Empathy began to kick back in and it was the first time he truly understood how tough this new struggle would be. His mentality transitioned from victim to survivor, or recovering survivor. This last year was just a footnote in his story, it wasn't the point of the entire book. When he was finally granted access to the world outside his window, he was both scare and excited: ready to get that do-over out there but a little uneasy over how things would play out. Would he ever be normal again? How would he react when a drug related case came up? Time and life would dictate the latter, but the first was entirely up to him. And sure enough, it only took a day of walking around Atlanta—with a member of the facility—to shoo away anything thoughts of being entirely different. As Hailey pointed out, he has an indestructible persona and it took no time at all for everything to fall back into line.

As Jay crossed the walkway at Peachtree and 16th Street, he slowed to a walk, allowing his waving chaperone to catch up with him. The poor guy was probably elated this was Jay's last day in rehab. He'd run enough laps of this area to be able to complete the course in his sleep. Jay laughed as the poor guy doubled down panting, wheezing as Jay kept running in place.

"You're…insane." Jay laughed before moving the party along.

"I have a lot of miles to make up for, Matt. Come on! We're almost there." Jay slowly jogged as he waited for Matt to rise up and begin the final leg of the run. Jay was about a hundred yards away from the finish line when he saw a red headed person leaning against the facility's walkway railing. He bolted, leaving Matt's yelling in his dust.

"Will!" He yelled as he collided with his startled brother, nearly knocking him over with an embracive hug.

"You smell bad," was the first thing that popped into Will's mind and proceeded to fall out of his mouth. The two of them stood there for a second before backing away, allowing both Jay and Will to catch their breath. Will took his brother in and concluded the sixty days had done wonders for him. He still wasn't back in his usual tip-top shape, but he looked healthy again. His demeanor was happy, free, peaceful. In this quick moment with his brother, it was clear to see how much he'd grown since he last saw him. The Jay before all of this was back.

"You're brother…is…nuts," Matt interrupted, finally reaching the finished line.

"Yeah, he kind of is," Will replied. Jay shrugged and smirked.

"How long have you been running?"

"Just a couple of weeks." Matt cleared his throat.

"Ok, more like a month." Matt nodded, satisfied with the truth. Jay began to walk up the entrance walkway.

"I'm going to go shower and change and then I'll be ready to leave." Will detected the overly excited tone in his voice and smirked. It was great to have his brother back.

…

They were sitting in the T concourse downing chili dogs and onion rings from _The Varsity_ while watching planes taxi into their assigned gates. Jay was getting his last taste of southern cooking while Will was getting first taste of the scrumptious cuisine. Jay had been rather giddy since getting check out of the facility. On the way to the airport, he became a tour guide of sorts, pointing out places and things that he'd discovered while residing in this town. Will was amazed he got the freedom to explore all that Jay did, but was thankful they gave him that option. He knew keeping him cooped up for another couple of months would do more harm than good for Jay. Jay explained that he dragged Matt everywhere, much to the poor guy's dislike of chasing Jay at all hours of the day. When Jay checked out of the facility, Matt's countenance picked up immensely; ecstatic to no longer living under the control of Jay Halstead. He might have screamed for joy as Will and Jay closed the front door behind them. Jay was going to miss that guy. Now waiting for the plane from Chicago to come in, the brothers resumed their routine from the last couple of months: eating and getting Jay to talk.

"So, how was it all," Will asked with a mouth full of food?

"It was great. Really good actually."

"You were here for two months and that's all I get?!"

"That's all you get," Jay smirked. Will rolled his eyes. There were some things about his brother that would never change. Talking about himself was always going to be a tooth pulling experience. They went back to their food for a moment, each looking out the giant glass window between bites.

"I am going inquire why you didn't tell me you spent a long weekend at Emory." It was Jay's turn to roll his eyes, throwing his head back in frustration.

"It wasn't that big of a deal and you were hours away and I didn't want to worry you."

"Jay, it was pneumonia. You do realize how damaging that can be. Especially so soon after the transplant?!"

"Yeah, and that's why they sent me to Emory which by the way, is a really nice place. Next time anything happens, please ship me there." Will playfully smacked his brother.

"A phone call would've been nice. I had to learn about it from Rhodes weeks later. He asked me how you were doing and I stood there completely dumbfounded." Jay shrugged.

"The Emory doctors filled him in about everything and he's the one that helped with the diagnosis and treatment. And for the record, everything still looks good. There isn't any sign of damage or rejection." Will nodded, his curiosity satisfied.

"So while you were gone, I got a phone call from the donor's family. They want to meet you." Jay stared at his food, slightly nodding as Will spoke. He half feared this could happen and wasn't sure how to feel or react to it all.

"Ok."

"Jay, they said it was entirely up to you. But, I think you should do it."

"When do they want an answer?"

"Well, I told them you were out of town for awhile and they said to take your time, whenever you're ready they are." Jay slowly exhaled, trying to tread lightly and not hurt Will's feelings.

"I don't know if I'm ready for that. Why go back to that day?"

"It'll be good for both parties. It'll bring closure to them and you in a way. A lot of people are apprehensive beforehand but come out of the meeting really glad they did it."

"Yeah, but I'm going to feel like a sleaze bag. Like, 'sorry you're family member had to die but hey, I'm still here so..' ''

"Remember they said yes to it all. Without their approval, you wouldn't be here." Jay was quiet for awhile after that one. Having never viewed things that way, it was clear it to see he had to do this. There was no other proper option other than to meet and thank these people for their ultimate gift. Jay only nodded after a time, Will reaching over to pat his brother's back, reassuring him things would be fine. Jay decided to change the discussion topic.

"I called Voight a couple of days ago, just to update him on stuff and he wants me to start back next week."

"That's great! You ready for that?"

"Yeah, he said that he talked things over with Platt and the commanders and they want me to take random drug tests for the next year and drug related cases will be done with full supervision during that time. Desk duty will be at least a couple of months and then we'll go from there."

"And how do you feel about that?"

"I get it. I screwed up and now I've gotta rebuild those relationships and regain their trust. I'm up for it." Will just smiled, making his brother a little uncomfortable.

"What?!"

"I'm really proud of you. You've definitely changed since the last I saw you. A good change I might add." Jay nodded and smirked, rising to throw away his trash.

"Thanks man, I feel really good."

 _"_ _American Airlines flight number 1574, non-stop to Chicago is now boarding."_ Jay's face lit up and he grabbed his bags and got in line. Will laughed.

"You ready?!" Jay replied with a happy face and vigorous head nodding.

 _…_

The two hour flight back home was quiet. Will wisely used his time for sleeping, deeply. As in falling asleep slumped on Jay's shoulder, mouth wide open. Jay would shove him off but eventually gave up the battle, knowing his brother probably needed the sleep more than being jostled awake. With a dead weighted body on him, Jay's only option was to stay awake and gaze out the window at the great ball of fire in the sky and the clouds surrounding it. He had his AirPods on blast and was blaring his 'home' playlist. It was something he made years ago when he started working in Intelligence and flying was becoming a weekly thing. It's not that he hated flying, but he wasn't entirely uncomfortable with it all. Just the thought of sitting suspended tens of thousands of feet in the air with wind and a metal contraption separating you from falling to your death was a little unsettling. So he formed this playlist to tune out the scary thoughts racing through his mind, allowing his mind to drift off to other, more pleasant things.

It was during a particular song conveniently titled 'home' that his mind really stared to wander. He kept going back to that day of the accident, feeling like it was years ago rather than months. He almost felt like a whole other person as compared to the person that woke up that morning. He remembers waking up feeling miserable. It was the umpteenth time he tried to go without the drugs and had a scare nights sleep. He kept tossing and turning, fighting the urge for a fix while experiencing those early side effects of withdrawal. He vividly recalls giving in around sunrise, standing at his window watching the light in the sky grow brighter as the satisfying highs began to pick up. He doesn't remember much after that, but will forever consider that morning as the lowest point. The moment where things were dire. He didn't want end it all, but given the option of stopping or ceasing to exist, it would've been a hard choice for him. As he looked over at Will now, he was grateful for the accident because he wouldn't be on this plane right now had they driven past that subway pillar and eventually caught the perp. He hated that things unfolded in the succession they did, but it was what it was. Since he couldn't stop himself, something else had to step in. Now sitting at the tail end of this crazy, uncertain, harrowing journey, he couldn't help but smile…and shed a tear or two. It wasn't a story anyone wanted in their life tale, but it was his and he was genuinely proud of how it all turned out. It nearly cost him everything, but through it all, he gain a new opportunity, a new life. And so he closed his eyes for a moment, taking everything in and readying himself for the redemptive narrative in the story. The pilot announced they were beginning their descent and Jay resumed his window gazing. A few minutes later, the clouds grew patchy, revealing the stunning city below. It was all peaceful up here. Everything looked like little toys from this position. Buildings were Legos. Cars and trains were little dots. People looked like ants. From up here, things aren't as towering and daunting as they are at street level. There isn't any calamity or dilemma at this height. From here, life consists of you, the clouds, and silent works of man made art. The scenery changed shortly, the runway becoming an ominous black finish line. The jolt and bump of the landing gear kissing the ground made some jump with uneasiness, but Jay could only smile. He was home. The plane was taxiing to the gate when he shook Will awake.

"Will, hey, we're home." Will awkwardly stretched his arms and legs before gazing out the window.

"Did you sleep?"

"How could I with you laying on me?!"

"Oh, sorry." The plane came to a rest at the gate and the clicking of seatbelts began ringing their tune. Will and Jay quickly stood and grabbed their belongings from the overhead compartment and waited for the slow procession of people to begin moving. As Jay reached the exit of the plane, he was presented with a final thought. He began to think of the number of doorways he'd crossed over these last few months and how each step was a bigger leap towards the greater goal. It was funny to think that a doorway could stir up change in one's life, but that's exactly what they represented in Jay's story. From the ER doors to this final archway, Jay Halstead entered them one way and came out the other side vastly different. While some steps required being pushed through, Jay realized that that little voice of common sense in his head was spot on: things were only to get better from that threshold step onward. And so, Jay willingly leapt over the plane's doorway and landed softly on the walkway's soft ground. As he made those first steps towards the door, he didn't know what the other side entailed. But, for the first time in forever, he was actually excited to see what was up life's sleeves.

 _Screen fades to black. End credits roll._


End file.
